So, Martin and I met because of the hearses. But it was through our job. He worked 3rd shift, and I worked 2nd. We both started about the same time, but we never really ran 8nto each other. They came on 2 hours before my shift ended, but would be taken to a different area in the store. We were on a Walmart remodel crew through a temp agency.
One of my bosses and a co worker told me that there was a guy on the night shift who is also a hearse driver. My immediate reaction was "There's ANOTHER hearse out there! AND *I* didn't notice it???"
No, they said... He's new to the area, his hearse is still in Ohio, he is going to go get it and bring it here.
"Really? Yes, I want to meet him, thats so cool! We are getting a hearse guy.."
Well, it turns out, Martin was the one that never noticed a hearse parked out in the lot. Ofcourse, I never parked where workers parked. I parked at the end of the lot where customers parked... Although there were plenty of times that I slept in her in the empty parking lot. So I was out there through out his shift, lol...
One night when they had the shifts working close to each other, my manager and co worker both came to me and said, hey, that guy is here. Right clise over here.. Come meet him.
Well, okay, I was down for that... So I followed the girls a couple isles over, they pointed him out to me in tbe bra and underwear section helping to move a rack.
They called him and he immediately came right over. They introduced us as hearse drivers. I was completely thrilled to meet another hearse person, and he... well... was happy to meet me, but had to get over the fact that I was a chic hearse driver. Apparently he had seen Stella around town, but he thought that she would have a guy driver. We instantly clicked. Kind of a... oh, I've been looking for you forever, type of click, I finally found you. Martin admitted a year later that he had felt it too. From that piint on, we always found each other as soon as his shift came in. I would go chat with him on his break as we were clocking out, then go on to Stella, where I would bed down for the night. After a while, they pushed all the shifts together onto first shift. Since I had been working 2nd and Martin had been working 3rd... we were both having to adjust. They were matching people up every morning to work together. Who you worked with changed every day.... except for Martin and I. We were matched up right away. They figured out that we work together really well and get a lot done together. So.. we were the only two that got matched together every day. We really had a good time working together. Our everyday subject was hearses. Thats all we talked about... except for when I spoke about how much I hated Mike (my then husbsnd) and sometimes would talk about Michelle (his then very new girlfriend) but for the most part... it was all about hearses. Lol..
Now, over a year later, it looks like we will be working together again. Sams, that is apart of Walmart is a company I worked for before and really had a lot of friends there and they really wanted me back, and HR was pulling for both of us to be hired on. Turns out, the manager that was at Walmart when we were on that remodel team, is now at Sams as well. With him remembering us from the remodel team, he also wanted us on.
So, cool!! Am excited to work with Martin again and how funny that its through the same company.
Thursday, November 10, 2016
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
#19 Emotions need to catch up
One of the hardest parts for me in this relationship is that I have myself so convinced that no one could ever love me. My own family couldn't even love me or eccept me, anyone who ever said they did love me was a lie.. that is... except for my girls. But thats different.
So without meaning to, I secretly question Martin. My brain knows he does in fact love me, while my emotions think it can't be real. But my emotions are wrong and are trying to protect me, and I wish they would jump on board. I kept thinking they would if I just give it time... And I still do. I'm just becoming quite impatient with myself.
I know I love him. I can't even imagine my life without him. Even though we havn't been together for long, it feels like its been forever. Like we have always known each other through life times and finally found each other again. Its a strong and deep bond that I don't know how to really explain. Martin and I call it the click. As soon as we saw each other, there was a click. It was instant and we right away had to be around each other, talk constant (of which I found out later that he didn't normally talk to women) and we couldn't let the other go. We recognized each other, we finally found each other. I just don't know what else to say about that. Martin and I have spoken about this a lot. We agree with each other on this, but we just can't put our finger firmly on it. When we finally started to date a year later.... Our souls just seem to cling together, and won't let go.
And that makes it extra frustrating that my emotions are very on board in the fact that I love him with every bit of spark in my soul... but my emotions are so busy questioning his love. Though my soul and brain knows he loves me very much.
I don't know how Steve caused so much damage in the short time that I dated him... but because he was ready to bail over issues he would make up in his head... and it doesn't matter if everyone was having a good time or not, he would instantly decide he was leaving and make it all about him.
Sooo, now... even though I know that in no way would Martin do this cause he is a real man... my emotions are always afraid it will happen. That one day, he could walk away, cause thats what people do.
Again.... waiting for my emotions to jump onto the reality train. Because they are making things scary from time to time.
This man is my love. My connection and my everything. And whether my emotions are on board or not, I am totally dedicated to him. The one emotion that is completely on board is how much he means to me. I don't know what the bigger story is with us, but I intend on finding out. Or at least as much as I can.
So without meaning to, I secretly question Martin. My brain knows he does in fact love me, while my emotions think it can't be real. But my emotions are wrong and are trying to protect me, and I wish they would jump on board. I kept thinking they would if I just give it time... And I still do. I'm just becoming quite impatient with myself.
I know I love him. I can't even imagine my life without him. Even though we havn't been together for long, it feels like its been forever. Like we have always known each other through life times and finally found each other again. Its a strong and deep bond that I don't know how to really explain. Martin and I call it the click. As soon as we saw each other, there was a click. It was instant and we right away had to be around each other, talk constant (of which I found out later that he didn't normally talk to women) and we couldn't let the other go. We recognized each other, we finally found each other. I just don't know what else to say about that. Martin and I have spoken about this a lot. We agree with each other on this, but we just can't put our finger firmly on it. When we finally started to date a year later.... Our souls just seem to cling together, and won't let go.
And that makes it extra frustrating that my emotions are very on board in the fact that I love him with every bit of spark in my soul... but my emotions are so busy questioning his love. Though my soul and brain knows he loves me very much.
I don't know how Steve caused so much damage in the short time that I dated him... but because he was ready to bail over issues he would make up in his head... and it doesn't matter if everyone was having a good time or not, he would instantly decide he was leaving and make it all about him.
Sooo, now... even though I know that in no way would Martin do this cause he is a real man... my emotions are always afraid it will happen. That one day, he could walk away, cause thats what people do.
Again.... waiting for my emotions to jump onto the reality train. Because they are making things scary from time to time.
This man is my love. My connection and my everything. And whether my emotions are on board or not, I am totally dedicated to him. The one emotion that is completely on board is how much he means to me. I don't know what the bigger story is with us, but I intend on finding out. Or at least as much as I can.
Saturday, October 1, 2016
#18 hearse girl/guy/couple (pic)
The difference between a hearse girl, a hearse guy and a hearse couple...
Being a hearse girl, everyone wanted to talk to me. I would always be approached and asked questions about my Stella and what it was like having her. People always giving ideas on what to do next with her, sometimes they were really good ideas. If I go anywhere just to get away for a minute, I would have to get out of her and walk away to have my moment because trying to have a moment anywhere near her wasnt gonna happen. I always felt it was funny that it wasn't really me getting the attaintion, it was Stella. ALWAYS all about Stella.. lolol... People in town knew my cars name, but had no clue who I was, I was just her driver... at places of work, people would try to figure out who drove the hearse, and as soon as they found out I was a girl, they would just HAVE to talk to me. I don't mind at all. Its just apart of being a hearse girl and I have made some really cool friends because of my Stella. I didn't know I would attract so much attention from driving a car like her when I got her. I thought she would be noticed at first because of what she is but eventually people would get used to seeing her around and it wouldn't be a big deal. I couldn't have been further from the truth. However, i did get used to it and eventually didn't even notice it as much anymore. It was just apart of my life. Stella the hearse, and me, the invisible driver, lol... I found a lot of humor in it...
Back when Martin and I were just friends, I would often hear people tell me that they saw a guy in a black hearse rocken out. I would always light up and be like, ya, thats my friend, Martin!! He's my hearse buddy! And I would proceed to tell them all about him. However, I did notice the difference between him and me on the streets. Where as with me, Stella was noticed and I was invisible.... With Martin, he was very noticed and his hearse with his tunes, rather then him belonging to the car, the car belonged to him. (I would like to say here, it never bothered me that there were differences between how we were noticed, It was just something I definitely noticed is all.) I figured it is just the subconscious differences in how people recognize men and women. I also found humor in this as well. As I said, while I am invisible as Stella's driver as she steals the show..
Martin would be discribed as a creeper, stalker, cool dude, this hearse guy, scary guy, jammin guy, and a bunch more descriptions that I just can't remember at the moment. Many times I felt that maybe it was better to be an invisible driver that belonged to my car... lol...
When becoming a hearse couple, something that I noticed litteraly within days of becoming a hearse couple.... I wasn't just invisible anymore, but I am now a copy cat.
When a hearse girl gains a relationship with a hearse guy... suddenly no one talks to you anymore, because it is assumed that either he got you a hearse after he had his.. or you got one cause he had one.. or he has two hearses and your the girlfriend. I would like to say thst it doesn't bother me, but it does. Its never been about attention or anything like that. But I do enjoy being a hearse girl. Its a part of who I am. When people talk to us, they are only interested in talking to the hearse guy and if you join the conversation at all as you were standing there invisible from the start... you are on a whole new level of invisible when no matter what you say.... your completely ignored, as if your not there at all. You have now become the hearse guys girlfriend, and no one cares about what you think or what you have to say about them. Ya, your still a hearse girl in the fact that you just are. But as a hearse couple, the girl does seem to lose her title as one.
Martin is quick to point out I drive one too. Or that the other one they thought was his is actually mine.. and many times it surprises them. But its still left with the assumption that I only have one because of him, not because I'm a true hearse girl and you can see it.. It sucks that just because I'm a girl, people just won't see me for who I am.
So if your a hearse girl thinking about dating a hearse guy... this is just something to think about.
For me... Martin is an amazing person in my life and I will keep him regardless. Being changed from a hearse girl, to just the hearse guys girlfriend in peoples heads isn't really an all bad thing in the fact that there are other hearse girls, and there are other hearse guy's girlfriends. But I am the only Martin's girlfriend. And that is something I treasure even more.
But that doesn't go without saying that it is like going through a culture shock, dealing with the stereotypeing people put you in just because your a girl. I didn't mind being invisible before.. and now that I'm even more invisible, maybe people won't notice that its me kicking them in the leg for stereotypeing me.
One thing I can count on... I will never be invisible to Martin. I will always be first important and he will always love the hearse girl in me that he knows is there.. even if no one else sees that in me anymore...
And that folks is my experience on the difference between a hearse girl, a hearse guy, and being a hearse couple..
#17 (pics) A Harley isn't just a bike, it becomes a part in your relationship.
Martin used to be in a biker club when he lived in Ohio. He talks a lot about riding year round and wanting me to learn as well. Because of some paper work issues, his bike was grounded a year since coming to Kansas. So when I said, lets get this done.. seeing him smile ear to ear is an image that I will never forget. I love seeing him smile, it makes my heart flutter every time.
For a month, the Harley was the only legal vehicle we had. I found out what piece a rumbling bike between your legs gives you as I would hold onto Martin and watch the fields go by, just gazing at it all or watching a hawk fly above us... its different then through the window of a car. Though your still racing by it all, you can't help but feel like your apart of it. And then.... you just got pelted on the forhead by a big ass bug.... yep, your apart of it now! And it hurt too. Keep your lips shut and your hair tied down. Always have glasses on and shorts suck when those bugs hit your legs. Yep, I learned a lot... Still am. But I gotta tell ya, nothing like riding along and your boyfriend brings in his hand to hold yours as you hang on to him. When he notices your hands are ice cold he folds your hands in his to warm them. There is a connection there that just makes you melt into him. I love when he brings his hand back and holds onto my leg, or even when he grabs my ass, which makes me giggle, lol... Because he doesn't have a sissy bar, I am always right up against him barely looking over his shoulder or just have my head layed against him sideways, watching everything go by. I get so comfortable, I could just fall asleep if I'm not careful.
Yesterday I found out what it was like to ride as a group on a road trip. There's something great about the roar down below you, but to have them rumbling all around you as well is powering. I have to say, I think I like it..
This new life of mine with so much meaning. So much gentleness and so much love. A new experience that I had no idea was out there and no idea how great life could be.
#16 Moving in
Moving in with Martin has been a whole experience in itself. We have found that as paid workers, we can get a lot done, but at home... we can barely pull out of each others arms long enough to get much done at all. So after 2 months of living together, we have found that we have to really push ourselves hard to get out and around. Give us time, we are getting better at it.
We right away found ourselves with little to no money. Our outlook on this has been so different. Martin is used to having money, never having to worry about not being able to pay a bill or food. Living under $4000 a month was unthinkable to him, and here we are with barely $1000. He is quite humble for a guy that has never had to worry about money a day in his life, but he didn't quite know how to live on such a little amount.
Where as for me... I have lived on nothing all my life. Struggled to take care of children.. and men who either wouldn't work or if they did, had no real interest in helping out. Knowing that I was about to be homeless yet again if Martin hadn't of saved me and KM from that fait.... for me.. living in a home, though it needed lots of repair, that didn't need rent paid... in a city that worked with its residents, where I knew we would be okay.... man, I felt like I won the lottery.
I told him I would show him how to get by just fine on basicly nothing. This was my life and I knew it well. He provided the home and the jack of all trades, I provided the know how on servival. We are doing just fine.
Its funny how we became almost the same person traveling on complete different paths.
We right away found ourselves with little to no money. Our outlook on this has been so different. Martin is used to having money, never having to worry about not being able to pay a bill or food. Living under $4000 a month was unthinkable to him, and here we are with barely $1000. He is quite humble for a guy that has never had to worry about money a day in his life, but he didn't quite know how to live on such a little amount.
Where as for me... I have lived on nothing all my life. Struggled to take care of children.. and men who either wouldn't work or if they did, had no real interest in helping out. Knowing that I was about to be homeless yet again if Martin hadn't of saved me and KM from that fait.... for me.. living in a home, though it needed lots of repair, that didn't need rent paid... in a city that worked with its residents, where I knew we would be okay.... man, I felt like I won the lottery.
I told him I would show him how to get by just fine on basicly nothing. This was my life and I knew it well. He provided the home and the jack of all trades, I provided the know how on servival. We are doing just fine.
Its funny how we became almost the same person traveling on complete different paths.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
#15 facelift (pic)
My Blogger page is getting a facelift from:
Stef and Steve, about us..
Hi, I'm Stef, and I have my boyfriend, Steve. Life with Steve is something else, let me tell ya. He makes us laugh, and I find the funniest and most heart tugging things out of the things that he does.. things that he doesn't think much of. We also have a roller coaster relationship that can go wild out of no where. I get confused by him a lot, and I don't know why he gets confused about me.. I think I'm a pretty straight forward person. Either way, in the end, we are both broken people that are learning how to cope with ourselves and each other, as well as deal with my youngest daughter and all the issues she copes with because of a very abusive marriage with her dad. My middle daughter who does very well for herself but also copes with some frustration, though she spends most of her time with her friends and lives with her dad. My oldest son who I no longer have contact with because he supports my ex's abusiveness and is becoming like him.
I'm out there without a care of what people think, driving around in my hearse that I work to keep up, just being me. Steve loves his mustang, and cares a lot what people think. He kinda gets frustrated with my be free lifestyle, and I get frustrated with his keep in mind that people are watching life style. However I try to understand that with him being a little person, hes had people watching him his whole life.. always staring, gocking... I think he tries to understand that with me.. I've always had people making things up about me so much that no one knows me anyway.. so why should I care what they think if they are just gonna gossip anyway..
With me trying to keep up with Steve's OCD and the fact he's never had a family setting and dealing with kids before.. my youngest daughter's sloppiness/hoarding issues and trying to establish who is the adult here, without losing the wonderful heart that she has.. and my middle daughter growing up and wishing I could see her more before she's on her own and making sure she has what she needs to move on in life.. and dealing with my oldest son who has turned out learning how to take advantage of others, and scam to get what he wants...my life is pretty full.
This is the diary of how we manage in my point of view..
Stef and Steve, about us..
Hi, I'm Stef, and I have my boyfriend, Steve. Life with Steve is something else, let me tell ya. He makes us laugh, and I find the funniest and most heart tugging things out of the things that he does.. things that he doesn't think much of. We also have a roller coaster relationship that can go wild out of no where. I get confused by him a lot, and I don't know why he gets confused about me.. I think I'm a pretty straight forward person. Either way, in the end, we are both broken people that are learning how to cope with ourselves and each other, as well as deal with my youngest daughter and all the issues she copes with because of a very abusive marriage with her dad. My middle daughter who does very well for herself but also copes with some frustration, though she spends most of her time with her friends and lives with her dad. My oldest son who I no longer have contact with because he supports my ex's abusiveness and is becoming like him.
I'm out there without a care of what people think, driving around in my hearse that I work to keep up, just being me. Steve loves his mustang, and cares a lot what people think. He kinda gets frustrated with my be free lifestyle, and I get frustrated with his keep in mind that people are watching life style. However I try to understand that with him being a little person, hes had people watching him his whole life.. always staring, gocking... I think he tries to understand that with me.. I've always had people making things up about me so much that no one knows me anyway.. so why should I care what they think if they are just gonna gossip anyway..
With me trying to keep up with Steve's OCD and the fact he's never had a family setting and dealing with kids before.. my youngest daughter's sloppiness/hoarding issues and trying to establish who is the adult here, without losing the wonderful heart that she has.. and my middle daughter growing up and wishing I could see her more before she's on her own and making sure she has what she needs to move on in life.. and dealing with my oldest son who has turned out learning how to take advantage of others, and scam to get what he wants...my life is pretty full.
This is the diary of how we manage in my point of view..
#14 Steve is out, Martin is in...
Well, Steve was on his way out. And I was going to have to get through a week of crap with him. I called one of my friends over, Rachel, who I know I can talk about anything with. I told her everything. And she showed me texts where Steve was trying to get her to come over while I was at work. He would ask her to come lay with him on the couch and watch tv. Or would want her to come over and drink. Just what ever. I knew he was pulling crap like that, just didn't have proof. He tried to make me lose what friends I had by telling them stories about me and acting like he was abused. But what he didn't know, is that I am so picky about my friends, that the only ones I have are the ones that know me well and who will be by my side no matter what. He loses...
I was excited about my new relationship with someone who I knew was worth my time, at a time that I was ready to give up on relationships all together.
So... when Steve jumped up on the bed and tried to tell me that I told him he should listen to me, it was everything I could do to keep from laughing. He did everything he could to make me feel like I should talk to him about staying. I wouldn't, I couldn't get him out fast enough at this point, and he did it to himself. So mid week, when I walked in my room and found that he had unpacked, I was like, what the hell? He unpacked? Am I ever getting rid of him? This unthankful jerk thinks he's staying? I texted both Martin and Rachel about this. They couldn't believe it either. If Martin had to come and move him out for him, as far as I was concerned, Steve was leaving that weekend whether he liked it or not.
Steve one morning, cornerd my dog, Feora, who is 8 years old. He was mad at her for wanting to be near me. He doubled up his fist and was gonna punch her. I got between them. And he went off. How dare I protect my dog. And that one day I'll come home and find her dead. I wanted to beat him down, my heart was crying for her, I just wanted this to end.
The next morning I said something to Steve about his stuff being unpacked. He made the comment to me, "If you make me move out one more time......." and I thought, then what? WHAT?? What is it you think you will do? Cause I'm done. Your leaving.
The very next day after that.... I was called to go to someones house who was going to help me with my tire on my car. So I went there. I knew Steve would be livid that I wasn't home. But I didnt care. it didn't take much to get him to pack and I planned on making this happen. He thinks I'm gonna ask him back, he doesn't get it that there isn't any coming back. He called me yelling and screaming on the phone as he normally would do. He told me he was going to kill my daughter, of which I warned him that he will not. He hung up on me to call again and scream at me again. He told me he might not be there when I get back, I replied, "ok."
When I finally did make it home, he was packing. He was hateful and going off. I just layed down on the bed and waited for him to be out. The stress was high, and so I texted someone to get ahold of Martin. Martin was on his way...
By what little luck Steve had, Martin missed him by about 5 or 10 minutes. That night, Martin stayed with me. And he stayed in my house with me till I could get everything moved to his house on Aug 1st.
But that night Steve left, Steve tried to text me about how it was all KM's fault that he had to move out and kept trying to leave things open for me to beg him back. I thought, is he really that stupid? Does he not get it? Dude, your OUT!!
He unfriended me on fb, but tried to be friends with Rachel, who blocked him. I thought he was gone out of my life..
But then.... he starts talking to me again. He treats me like I'm supposed to be a booty call now. And I'm letting him know he's done. But he still doesn't get it. He tries to tell me that life is so less stressful surfing couches then it is to have a home of his own... Really? Ya, he's really that much of an idiot.
So, while I'm taking lunch to Martin, Martin and I decide to make it fb official. Steve freaks out on me. Its been weeks since he's been out, and he now acts like I'm going behind his back. Ya, crazy much? He tells me to fuck off and die. And I thought that was it.
However, later, months later... he tries to call me, and he starts to talk about me to my friends and gets stalkish. I let him know he needed to stop. Hopefully this has stopped.
But for now, a whole new beginning, a whole new life.... We were supposed to start new when I got my ex out. But Steve became even worse than my ex. Only it took 12 years for me to successfully get away from my ex. Thankfully Steve was a big baby, ready to leave for no reason at all. Though it was hard to get it in his head that I'm done. It wasn't hard to get him out all together.
KM and I are having to deal with the hell Steve broght with him... but it gets easier. And we really do have a new beginning.
Now I need to facelift this blog as well....
I was excited about my new relationship with someone who I knew was worth my time, at a time that I was ready to give up on relationships all together.
So... when Steve jumped up on the bed and tried to tell me that I told him he should listen to me, it was everything I could do to keep from laughing. He did everything he could to make me feel like I should talk to him about staying. I wouldn't, I couldn't get him out fast enough at this point, and he did it to himself. So mid week, when I walked in my room and found that he had unpacked, I was like, what the hell? He unpacked? Am I ever getting rid of him? This unthankful jerk thinks he's staying? I texted both Martin and Rachel about this. They couldn't believe it either. If Martin had to come and move him out for him, as far as I was concerned, Steve was leaving that weekend whether he liked it or not.
Steve one morning, cornerd my dog, Feora, who is 8 years old. He was mad at her for wanting to be near me. He doubled up his fist and was gonna punch her. I got between them. And he went off. How dare I protect my dog. And that one day I'll come home and find her dead. I wanted to beat him down, my heart was crying for her, I just wanted this to end.
The next morning I said something to Steve about his stuff being unpacked. He made the comment to me, "If you make me move out one more time......." and I thought, then what? WHAT?? What is it you think you will do? Cause I'm done. Your leaving.
The very next day after that.... I was called to go to someones house who was going to help me with my tire on my car. So I went there. I knew Steve would be livid that I wasn't home. But I didnt care. it didn't take much to get him to pack and I planned on making this happen. He thinks I'm gonna ask him back, he doesn't get it that there isn't any coming back. He called me yelling and screaming on the phone as he normally would do. He told me he was going to kill my daughter, of which I warned him that he will not. He hung up on me to call again and scream at me again. He told me he might not be there when I get back, I replied, "ok."
When I finally did make it home, he was packing. He was hateful and going off. I just layed down on the bed and waited for him to be out. The stress was high, and so I texted someone to get ahold of Martin. Martin was on his way...
By what little luck Steve had, Martin missed him by about 5 or 10 minutes. That night, Martin stayed with me. And he stayed in my house with me till I could get everything moved to his house on Aug 1st.
But that night Steve left, Steve tried to text me about how it was all KM's fault that he had to move out and kept trying to leave things open for me to beg him back. I thought, is he really that stupid? Does he not get it? Dude, your OUT!!
He unfriended me on fb, but tried to be friends with Rachel, who blocked him. I thought he was gone out of my life..
But then.... he starts talking to me again. He treats me like I'm supposed to be a booty call now. And I'm letting him know he's done. But he still doesn't get it. He tries to tell me that life is so less stressful surfing couches then it is to have a home of his own... Really? Ya, he's really that much of an idiot.
So, while I'm taking lunch to Martin, Martin and I decide to make it fb official. Steve freaks out on me. Its been weeks since he's been out, and he now acts like I'm going behind his back. Ya, crazy much? He tells me to fuck off and die. And I thought that was it.
However, later, months later... he tries to call me, and he starts to talk about me to my friends and gets stalkish. I let him know he needed to stop. Hopefully this has stopped.
But for now, a whole new beginning, a whole new life.... We were supposed to start new when I got my ex out. But Steve became even worse than my ex. Only it took 12 years for me to successfully get away from my ex. Thankfully Steve was a big baby, ready to leave for no reason at all. Though it was hard to get it in his head that I'm done. It wasn't hard to get him out all together.
KM and I are having to deal with the hell Steve broght with him... but it gets easier. And we really do have a new beginning.
Now I need to facelift this blog as well....
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