#13

 My phone went out. And because of that, getting in my account wasn't easy. I will be continuing my story though.

I havevfound though that my ex has gotten in my account on you tube. So if you have found this blog through a nasty msg left on a youtube account. It wasn'tme, I swear.

But my story will continue.

#12 4th of July (pic)

So, Martin picks up me and Kierstyn. We go to a friend of his house for a bit before heading to Indian Rock to watch all the shows around town. I was feeling really nervous about meeting anyone at the moment because I was feeling so messed up over what Steve just pulled. He just refuses to let me and kM enjoy anything. But it turned out ok.. Vented about it as i was given the floor to. Really was just ready to go enjoy fireworks. And hoped it would be ok.. Hoped Steve wouldn't be calling me up screaming at me the whole time.

Upon getting to Indian Rock, Martin put the blankets we brought up ontop of his hearse. And he helped me up ontop of it with him. KM joined us, but soon was back down on the ground. Martin and I sat together up on top waiting for the night to begin. We talked all evening and even all through the fire works show as we now layed next to each other just watching all around. Not that talking non stop is anything unusual for us. We tend to talk non stop from the time we met when ever we are together.

I have to admit, I was kinda scared being up there at first. So he kept a hold of me the whole time, of which turned out being really nice. Ofcours now... I'm a little more brave about it all, but never would I have had the courage to try it without him, lol..

So it seemed like it didn't take long, the shows were all done. But Martin and I stayed on the roof of his hearse just staring at the stars, continuing to talk up a storm, while KM was inside the hearse playing on the net through my phone.
After a bit, he had to get back to the house he had been staying the night with, as he lives a bit out of town and would sometimes stay with friends in town for gas reasons. (He worked in town)
However, we both were not ready to call it a night. So he drove us to his friends place where we put a blanket back up on his hearse, climbed back ontop and layed back to look at the stars while KM continued to sit in the car browsing the net... but... looking at the stars was difficult as we noticed just how much tree was hanging over us... although that wasn't the hugest deal as we both knew we weren't climbing back ontop of the hearse for the stars, so much as we were wanting to spend time together, getting closer.

We talked all night long. The whole time knowing Steve would be home stewing. But we didn't care. We just couldn't pull ourselves away from each other. We kept talking about me and KM moving in with him. And about how we have always clicked right from the second we met. As if we had always known each other, reunited.
As we spoke he kept leaning in.
And then.... we kissed... I was really happy about it... but thinking.... "um, I just kissed my best friend... I don't think we are just friends anymore... We just brought this up to an amazing level."
I didn't know what to do. It was like time stopped and I just layed my head down on the black top of his hearse since the blanket had moved around. He layed his head down facing me.. we just layed there for what felt like an eternity, quiet... I wanted to kiss him again so bad. But I felt paralyzed for the moment... waiting to see what his next move was. But I think he was waiting to see what mine would be. Me needing him to be in control since Steve had conditioned me at this point that I couldn't be the one to reach out, or take control, and felt torn between what I wanted to do, and what I hadn't been allowed to do in the last 3 months. As I fought with my own thoughts, I finally decided, I was gonna have to make the move forward. He was so polite, so careful to not do anything offensive, he needed to know it was ok. So I moved forward, and he met me half way.. After that, he was stealing kisses left and right, and I.... was loving it. How gentle he was, so careful.
Then he asked... "How soon can you move in?" We both giggled a little and I wished it could have been that night. I told him that Steve said he had a place to go to that weekend. However he's constantly back and forth. But it doesn't matter. This is the 4th time in 3 months he packed his bags. I'm not playing his games anymore. If he doesn't leave this weekend, then I will kick him out if I gotta. I hope to not have to. I hope he just leaves. But so far, this weekend he should be out."
Martin holds up his fingers, crossed..

For me, at this point.. with 4th of July being on Monday... this weekend seems so far away... How am I gonna get through what is going to seem like forever.... How am I gonna deal with someone who is increasingly treating me like dirt while I know I now have someone who will treat me amazing... ugh, I knew if this got out of control, I could count on Martin stepping in and helping me out with this. But I didn't want this to be some horrible extreme. Although.. if Steve finds out that I'm on my way to a better life, who knows what he will pull, and my daughter lives there too..

Durring this time while Steve is still in my house, I can't let him know. I mean, he broke up with me, hes packing, I've done nothing wrong. But that doesn't mean he won't possibly tear my house up, or do something else wrotten. When he gets mad, he goes out of his way to hurt you. Get you back. And KM and I didn't need that.

I had a week of this, or longer if he proves to be difficult getting out. This is going to suck cause I have no idea how this will end.

To be Continued....

#11 Childish Games ((pic))

I didn't really know where I was going to take this blog from here. I didn't even know if I was going  to continue it.

Steve pulled a lot of stuff that just wasn't ok. I went through a lot dealing with him, though I tried to look at the bright side of things... It only took 6 months of dating and 3 months of living with me for him to tear me down and simply become a shell of who I really am. I had begun to lose myself. And people around me took notice. Mostly... those who had known me for some time began to miss the person who I really was.

On 4th of July Steve threw a fit because he did not want KM and I to enjoy the city picnic that they hold every year. He didn't care that I must get out and mingle or I deal with heavy depression. All he cared about was he was a hermit, and he cared not at how much the hermit life will hurt me. He only cared that he wanted me to be like him. So I messaged my friend Martin (who I had been going to Thursday night dance in the park with, Steve hated that too, but he was invited first and refused to go) who I've known for quite some time now.. he was my best friend before Steve came along. I don't know how I let Steve convenience me that, that title belonged to him, cause it didn't. Anyway.... I asked Martin to go to the 4th of July picnic with me. And he did.. And later that day... as usual.. Steve freaked out about nothing AGAIN... ruining yet another holiday as usual. He was more and more a cross between my mother, and my soon to be ex. Never allowing us to enjoy any moment in our life. Always making everything all about him.

((Above pic, Martin))
I called Martin yet again..
I asked him if we could spend the 4th with him. And my faithful friend who missed who I used to be, came right away figuring that I must be in trouble. And I was.
Steve was confused that I was not begging him to stay. I no longer wanted him around. KM agreed with me that it was time for him to go. He got in his car and started to back out. But then sat there and waited for me to beg him to stay... of which did not happen. I sat on the porch steps waiting for him to leave. He then went back inside, started packing and going off at me... that's when I texted my friend Martin... and Martin picked KM and I up. Of which made him even more mad. He wanted me to give up 4th of July to talk him into staying. Something I wasn't gonna do, and wasn't gonna give up yet one more holiday for his selfish a$$. As far as I was concerned, he broke up with me, hes packing, I'm NOT gonna talk him into staying, so he's gone. I couldn't wait.

I knew I couldn't keep dealing with him, so I had already talked to Martin a couple months back about moving in with him just for a bit as I couldn't keep up rent where I was at without help. He not only said me and KM could move in, but that we could stay there forever if we wanted. He really didn't mind. And  for a struggling single mom, that was music to my ears. Me and him were so much alike... I knew being roommates would work out well..
When Martin picked me up, I told him that Steve is out, hes packing and I will have to move in with him by the months up. He knew Steve had tore me down a lot, and knew I wasn't me anymore. He was happy that in time, the real me would be back with his help.

To be continued...

#10 Between the courts and the scam.. ugh

So today comes with its new worries...

Yesterday I got a "motion to revoke probation" when I completed everything that I was supposed to.

Okay, let's back up a bit. Last year my mother (I use that term loosely) was off her meds as she bragged to everyone about. And she did everything she could to counter my efforts of leaving Mike (my soon to be ex) in a safe (using that term lightly as well) environment. We got into an argument and she decided to call 911 and claim I hit or pushed her. Ofcours that didn't happen. But the courts don't care about what's true, they care about squeezing money out of anyone they can. She didn't have witnesses, no marks (ofcours) nothing. But I also didn't have witnesses that nothing happened. So ofcours they took her side, cause that's where the city gets their money. 
My mother will do anything for attaintion. And her favorite is to appear as though she's abused. That attaintion she craves cost me a job, and good  job offer after, $300 dollars, a night in jail, homelessness, expensive counceling I didn't need, stuck living with one of Mikes friends who's house rules was, there were no bubbles. He could be in my bubble as much as he wanted in his home. And he made it clear to Mike that I needed to understand the rules. Between my mother, Mike being an ass and his friend making my life hell, and 2 weeks of trying to commit suicide every night... I finally gave in to his friend. 

So now that your caught up..
The city wants to come after me and revoke  my probation for not doing the counceling. Of which I did. When I called up the prosecutor and asked about it, she first treated me like I was stupid cause it says why they are coming after me on the papers. Um, ya, that's exactly why I was calling her, cause I DID complete it. Then she got rude with me for saying that I did it. There was no reason for her to act that way. Very unprofessional.

So I called up the counselor that attended and hope that this mess will be taken care of. Maybe it's better he talks to her, cause clearly I'm gonna get no where with this. In the prosecutor's eyes, I'm scum. And she didn't waist a second treating me like it.

And, there's something else...
Another worry I have is the scam that Steve is getting involved with. And it's kinda my fault.
I was looking on Craigslist to see if anyone around town may have put up jobs there, in the help wanted. I came across an ad for a car wrap. A company will pay people a lot of money to let them wrap their car in their ads. I found one of these ads. Bad thing is, there is a lot of scams on this now and it's hard to know who the real deal is. We both wrote into this. I (being my stuborn self) told the lady that I will not take an over payment and I will not give money back, send money anywhere or give the guy that does the wrap any money. They would have to pay him themselves. She never spoke to me again. However, she sent Steve a check of over a thousand dollars, hes supposed to take $500 of it out for himself, and give the guy doing the wrap the rest of the money for his payment when he gets there. Yep, this one is a scam. But Steve wants it to be real, and I get that. I want it to be real too. But its just not. I think he's gonna do it, he isn't listening to me. I told him at least sit on the money for a few weeks. Give the bank time to realize it's a bad check. Then your just out $30 for a bad check and you'll have all that money to give back to them cause you didn't do anything with it yet. I don't know if he will even listen to me on that.. So I'm thinking of talking to the police, and having them possibly meet here when that guy is supposed to be here to collect the money. This is going to end up a bad deal. I just know it.

Hes smart enough to look up the number from the text, the check account, and the company its from.. for his sake, our sake, I hope it's real.. but I know it's not. A real company would pay the guy doing the wrap themselves. They would never have us do it.

Life with Steve... How do I get him to listen to me without freaking out on me? Hes just someone looking for a bit of hope like everyone else in this world does.. but this one will bite him in the ass if he doesn't walk away from it now..  

#9 this hair (pic)

So, not sure about the hair.. feeling like I gotta cover it up with something else now. The light brown doesn't seem like the right shade. I have black underneath. But it just didn't come out right I think. My friend Frankie thinks it looks fine. I don't know. I told him I'd give it a little time to grow on me. Steve thought I missed the back and KM chimed right in about something she didn't know anything about, claiming  that he was right. No, I did get it.. the color before just bled through. I don't think there's anything I can do with it that he will like. Why do I care? I hadn't before with any guy I've ever been with. Never cared what the guy thought at all, it my hair and I gotta wear it!.. I'm crazy for caring now..

But you know, when Steve came home today, he didn't notice that the house was clean.. (I mean.. it's always clean, but it's even more clean) He only noticed that I had filled the walmart trash bag in doing so, and it hadn't been taken out yet. That was kinda a blow in the face. He wanted to go back cause the Walmart bag was full of trash.
I don't get men mentality. I don't get why nothing can just be good enough. I don't understand why he expects me to be perfect. I do know though, as much I want him around.. if he keeps being negative and can't seem to see the great things in life... the things I do for him.. Maybe say thank you that I make sure he doesn't have to do anything when he comes home, it's all clean, dinners started, watch TV, and relax. Instead, I get asked what I've done.. well... Manners would be nice, cause I can't take the fits and criticism with no thank you's and glad to be home.

Wish Steve would get a clue. Hope that he will..

Though it did make me feel good that he stood up for me at Viega. Though everyone is upset about me being let go, and is asking why didn't they just move me? Well i was already looking into moving to first shift as KM needs me home in the evening when she goes back to school. And even asked about another area I was interested in. So that option was already there.
 Apparently I am a secret. They don't wanna talk about what happened. So whatever the big secret is, clearly its something your not supposed to fire for... or why not tell? Steve told them he doesn't wanna be there. It's only money that keeps him there for now. People liking you and doing a good job does not cement your job with them. I am proof of that. Makes a person want to get out on their own terms. And I get that. What ever Steve does is of his own mind and his own decision. I have nothing to do with it. But it is nice to know, he does stick up for me. He does care. He doesn't want to stand by while I get kicked. Basically, like me... he has a fire in his ass.. lol, and I gotta love that.

So In all.... ya, he's a jerk for not noticing what he should if he's gonna criticize the small things. But he's my most important supporter when the cards are down. I just wanna hug him and thunk him all at the same time. My Steve....

Life with Steve isn't what people would think... But I'm still head over heals if he will just take a good look at what he's got. I'm head over heals with a man that stands taller for me then any man ever has... My Steve.

#8 Today

My thoughts I keep going over for today..

This morning when Steve woke me for our time together.. As we hugged and kissed and held onto each other.. I couldn't help but wonder if we were gonna be ok. It made me sad really. Knowing that I will still be home when he gets here, made it different some how. I'm not sure how to go about this really. We both agreed that with us working opposite shifts, it threw us in a life style that happens after a couple has been together for  long time. We only saw each other on weekends and for our morning talks. All our money going into just barely making it. High stresses that new relationships just don't survive in. It takes a lot for people to get through all that. So, if I can find something in day work, it would help us a lot to be home together everyday. Steve mentioned how nice that would be.

So today, I will be dying my hair, and making myself new job presentable, so that I will be able to get something great, something worth having, and hopefully will get offered a day shift job. Maybe paying less in gas, and not having Stella hearse being run into the ground will make it easier to pay bills. And maybe getting a job close enough to walk to will help with KM.

I don't know.. today is a bit sad, and a little scary. I don't know what's going to happen, or what Steve is thinking. I don't know if everything is going to be okay. I just don't know. But what I do know is... I have a daughter turning 12 tomorrow that is counting on me to make it for us. And I have Steve who is watching and hoping I can pull my end together. So no matter what happens, I gotta put my foot out there and do the best I can. It's all or nothing, just the kind of girl I pride myself to be. Do what makes us come together, and hope it works out. Even though KM and I consider him family, I know he does not feel the same way about us. So not having that security makes this even harder.

Life with Steve.. Crossing fingers, holding breath, hoping for the best..

#7 The Talk??

So, Thursday we were supposed to have a talk. Steve took Thursday and Friday off with vacation days so that we could have this time. Since we work opposite shifts, we really only see each other on weekends. And we needed to talk before KM got home from camp Saturday.

My stomach was turning Wednesday night at work and I was just sad because I knew I was going to have to make a stand that he was going to have to date me all the time, or none if the time... not just when its convenient. Not just when no one is around or infront of only certain people. And he needs to know he won't cheat on me. Cause if he can sit there and tell me he don't know if he would, then don't get upset that I don't trust you.
I also knew that there was a chance that he may very well make his stand that he is "scared of me" and can't bring himself to date me. Well, if I'm that damn scary...... you know..
I was hoping for the best, but knew the percentage was much higher for the worst. And therefore was planning for that so that I wouldn't be caught off guard and would be ok either way.

Thursday morning came... I was finding it hard to even get out of bed. I didn't want this to end between us. I didn't want the snuggling at night to go away, or the way we fall asleep holding hands.. our early morning talks before he goes to work... I wanted to keep that. But I also knew I had to do what's right for me. I deserve to not have people think I have a guy living with me, in my room, in my bed.. with "sexual relations" and not be dating. Worse.... and have people think I'm chasing after him, someone I can't get and lying about dating him. I don't deserve to be made out that way at all... Someone I'm just not. Even though I don't care what people think... I do care when someone I'm with is putting me out there badly, instead of protecting who I really am. As I would do for him.

So as I am trying to get myself to wake up.. Steve keeps trying to get me to lay back down. Sleep more so I'm good for work he says. And that made it even harder to get up as he is busily running around the house to get things done. I do finally start to sit up, still dreading the talk, when my phone rings. It's my boss at the temp agency I work for. And.. I knew. I don't know how I knew, but I usually know these things. I knew that the company I had tried to get on with wasn't going to hire me. I've known this for a while now. And they let me go that day. The day of our talk. Luckily the temp agency I work for has more respect for hard working employees then this company did. The temp agency told me to file unemployment right away. He has no problem paying it for me since I had been with him for quite a while.

Well... that takes care of our talk. Steve didn't know if he was going to figure himself out without me, or if we were in this together. And because of that I was upset. Don't tell me to wait till you decide what to do. I have a child to think of. And even though I already know what I'm doing if it's just me and KM... I dont know what we are doing if we are all together and have to figure it out. So I need him to help with that. Although he was angry and said he was quiting, I told him he wasn't. As if I have any say on what he will do. And it felt good that he would stand that strong with me. But he needed to think about that. That's his job. At least look for another first. For me, I survived without Viega before I was there, I'll servive without them after I'm there. Maybe now find a job that allows me to move forward, instead of settle, and would not be affraid to approach me, causing me to lose respect for them.

It took about an hour, and he began talking about how we can make it, and keep the house we are in. My friend Martin, who is an amazing friend of mine, had offered his place for me and KM to stay as long as we like if Steve were to decide to take off all of a sudden, leaving us with no where to go. Now with this situation, he offered again, a place for all 3 of us (myself, KM, and Steve) to stay at his place for as long as we like. He made it clear that his house bills are quite cheap. We would actually have a lot of money left over if we were to stay with him.

 "You would be surprised how much money you have if you move in" 

It sounds like an opportunity to me to get a head, get my Stella hearse worked on, get Martin's Morticia hearse cleaned out, and maybe have something for ourselves upon moving out. Maybe our own business, maybe get a house, who knows..
But Steve, who was stuck living with other people for the last 7years finds it super hard to be going back to living in someone else's house again. He enjoys having his own place that's his own and wants to fight for it.. Steve has also made it clear that if we have to move in with Martin, it will kill his job. There is no way he will drive that distance. He will end up looking for another job if that's the path we have to take in the end.
So we are here in the house. Our house. We will see if we can do it. Without giving up cable (Steve won't give it up), and finding a refrigerator and washer and dryer to replace what we have to knock down Easy Home payments I was left with by my soon to be ex and my son.... I just hope it's possible.

So no talk, it never happened. Less income (unemployment only gives half of what you make) and apparently we are staying together. I still wonder about the girls he talks to. I don't completely trust him. But we had a good 4day weekend in getting both cars washed, the house washed on the outside and pulled pranks on each other.
My stress has come down a lot since being let go from my assignment. I no longer stress about Christmas and going half a month without pay. I no longer stress about checks being short Everytime they take a day off for the plant when I shouldn't have to go without pay and my check becomes short. I don't feel held back and helpless about it anymore. And I don't feel threatened if I try to go higher about it. I.e. being told by your Viega boss that if you make him look bad, he will make you look bad. After losing respect for this company because they would go to Steve about me, instead of having the courage to go to me about me... Ya, I started posting things on fb. It became apparent that was the only way to tell them how I felt. I needed someone to hear me. Talk to me and listen to me. Well, this company doesn't care about solving problems or at least trying, and the stress that all caused I can gladly say is all over. I needed one thing in my life to be secure. With my daughter acting out, Steve not being willing to have a normal relationship (the only thing in my life I expect to be normal) and my job holding me back... I was ready to explode or give up.. one of the two.

So onto the next chapter, and in hopes that this all works out..
Life with Steve... holding on for dear life...