So, Thursday we were supposed to have a talk. Steve took Thursday and Friday off with vacation days so that we could have this time. Since we work opposite shifts, we really only see each other on weekends. And we needed to talk before KM got home from camp Saturday.
My stomach was turning Wednesday night at work and I was just sad because I knew I was going to have to make a stand that he was going to have to date me all the time, or none if the time... not just when its convenient. Not just when no one is around or infront of only certain people. And he needs to know he won't cheat on me. Cause if he can sit there and tell me he don't know if he would, then don't get upset that I don't trust you.
I also knew that there was a chance that he may very well make his stand that he is "scared of me" and can't bring himself to date me. Well, if I'm that damn scary...... you know..
I was hoping for the best, but knew the percentage was much higher for the worst. And therefore was planning for that so that I wouldn't be caught off guard and would be ok either way.
Thursday morning came... I was finding it hard to even get out of bed. I didn't want this to end between us. I didn't want the snuggling at night to go away, or the way we fall asleep holding hands.. our early morning talks before he goes to work... I wanted to keep that. But I also knew I had to do what's right for me. I deserve to not have people think I have a guy living with me, in my room, in my bed.. with "sexual relations" and not be dating. Worse.... and have people think I'm chasing after him, someone I can't get and lying about dating him. I don't deserve to be made out that way at all... Someone I'm just not. Even though I don't care what people think... I do care when someone I'm with is putting me out there badly, instead of protecting who I really am. As I would do for him.
So as I am trying to get myself to wake up.. Steve keeps trying to get me to lay back down. Sleep more so I'm good for work he says. And that made it even harder to get up as he is busily running around the house to get things done. I do finally start to sit up, still dreading the talk, when my phone rings. It's my boss at the temp agency I work for. And.. I knew. I don't know how I knew, but I usually know these things. I knew that the company I had tried to get on with wasn't going to hire me. I've known this for a while now. And they let me go that day. The day of our talk. Luckily the temp agency I work for has more respect for hard working employees then this company did. The temp agency told me to file unemployment right away. He has no problem paying it for me since I had been with him for quite a while.
Well... that takes care of our talk. Steve didn't know if he was going to figure himself out without me, or if we were in this together. And because of that I was upset. Don't tell me to wait till you decide what to do. I have a child to think of. And even though I already know what I'm doing if it's just me and KM... I dont know what we are doing if we are all together and have to figure it out. So I need him to help with that. Although he was angry and said he was quiting, I told him he wasn't. As if I have any say on what he will do. And it felt good that he would stand that strong with me. But he needed to think about that. That's his job. At least look for another first. For me, I survived without Viega before I was there, I'll servive without them after I'm there. Maybe now find a job that allows me to move forward, instead of settle, and would not be affraid to approach me, causing me to lose respect for them.
It took about an hour, and he began talking about how we can make it, and keep the house we are in. My friend Martin, who is an amazing friend of mine, had offered his place for me and KM to stay as long as we like if Steve were to decide to take off all of a sudden, leaving us with no where to go. Now with this situation, he offered again, a place for all 3 of us (myself, KM, and Steve) to stay at his place for as long as we like. He made it clear that his house bills are quite cheap. We would actually have a lot of money left over if we were to stay with him.
"You would be surprised how much money you have if you move in"
It sounds like an opportunity to me to get a head, get my Stella hearse worked on, get Martin's Morticia hearse cleaned out, and maybe have something for ourselves upon moving out. Maybe our own business, maybe get a house, who knows..
But Steve, who was stuck living with other people for the last 7years finds it super hard to be going back to living in someone else's house again. He enjoys having his own place that's his own and wants to fight for it.. Steve has also made it clear that if we have to move in with Martin, it will kill his job. There is no way he will drive that distance. He will end up looking for another job if that's the path we have to take in the end.
So we are here in the house. Our house. We will see if we can do it. Without giving up cable (Steve won't give it up), and finding a refrigerator and washer and dryer to replace what we have to knock down Easy Home payments I was left with by my soon to be ex and my son.... I just hope it's possible.
So no talk, it never happened. Less income (unemployment only gives half of what you make) and apparently we are staying together. I still wonder about the girls he talks to. I don't completely trust him. But we had a good 4day weekend in getting both cars washed, the house washed on the outside and pulled pranks on each other.
My stress has come down a lot since being let go from my assignment. I no longer stress about Christmas and going half a month without pay. I no longer stress about checks being short Everytime they take a day off for the plant when I shouldn't have to go without pay and my check becomes short. I don't feel held back and helpless about it anymore. And I don't feel threatened if I try to go higher about it. I.e. being told by your Viega boss that if you make him look bad, he will make you look bad. After losing respect for this company because they would go to Steve about me, instead of having the courage to go to me about me... Ya, I started posting things on fb. It became apparent that was the only way to tell them how I felt. I needed someone to hear me. Talk to me and listen to me. Well, this company doesn't care about solving problems or at least trying, and the stress that all caused I can gladly say is all over. I needed one thing in my life to be secure. With my daughter acting out, Steve not being willing to have a normal relationship (the only thing in my life I expect to be normal) and my job holding me back... I was ready to explode or give up.. one of the two.
So onto the next chapter, and in hopes that this all works out..
Life with Steve... holding on for dear life...
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