#10 Between the courts and the scam.. ugh

So today comes with its new worries...

Yesterday I got a "motion to revoke probation" when I completed everything that I was supposed to.

Okay, let's back up a bit. Last year my mother (I use that term loosely) was off her meds as she bragged to everyone about. And she did everything she could to counter my efforts of leaving Mike (my soon to be ex) in a safe (using that term lightly as well) environment. We got into an argument and she decided to call 911 and claim I hit or pushed her. Ofcours that didn't happen. But the courts don't care about what's true, they care about squeezing money out of anyone they can. She didn't have witnesses, no marks (ofcours) nothing. But I also didn't have witnesses that nothing happened. So ofcours they took her side, cause that's where the city gets their money. 
My mother will do anything for attaintion. And her favorite is to appear as though she's abused. That attaintion she craves cost me a job, and good  job offer after, $300 dollars, a night in jail, homelessness, expensive counceling I didn't need, stuck living with one of Mikes friends who's house rules was, there were no bubbles. He could be in my bubble as much as he wanted in his home. And he made it clear to Mike that I needed to understand the rules. Between my mother, Mike being an ass and his friend making my life hell, and 2 weeks of trying to commit suicide every night... I finally gave in to his friend. 

So now that your caught up..
The city wants to come after me and revoke  my probation for not doing the counceling. Of which I did. When I called up the prosecutor and asked about it, she first treated me like I was stupid cause it says why they are coming after me on the papers. Um, ya, that's exactly why I was calling her, cause I DID complete it. Then she got rude with me for saying that I did it. There was no reason for her to act that way. Very unprofessional.

So I called up the counselor that attended and hope that this mess will be taken care of. Maybe it's better he talks to her, cause clearly I'm gonna get no where with this. In the prosecutor's eyes, I'm scum. And she didn't waist a second treating me like it.

And, there's something else...
Another worry I have is the scam that Steve is getting involved with. And it's kinda my fault.
I was looking on Craigslist to see if anyone around town may have put up jobs there, in the help wanted. I came across an ad for a car wrap. A company will pay people a lot of money to let them wrap their car in their ads. I found one of these ads. Bad thing is, there is a lot of scams on this now and it's hard to know who the real deal is. We both wrote into this. I (being my stuborn self) told the lady that I will not take an over payment and I will not give money back, send money anywhere or give the guy that does the wrap any money. They would have to pay him themselves. She never spoke to me again. However, she sent Steve a check of over a thousand dollars, hes supposed to take $500 of it out for himself, and give the guy doing the wrap the rest of the money for his payment when he gets there. Yep, this one is a scam. But Steve wants it to be real, and I get that. I want it to be real too. But its just not. I think he's gonna do it, he isn't listening to me. I told him at least sit on the money for a few weeks. Give the bank time to realize it's a bad check. Then your just out $30 for a bad check and you'll have all that money to give back to them cause you didn't do anything with it yet. I don't know if he will even listen to me on that.. So I'm thinking of talking to the police, and having them possibly meet here when that guy is supposed to be here to collect the money. This is going to end up a bad deal. I just know it.

Hes smart enough to look up the number from the text, the check account, and the company its from.. for his sake, our sake, I hope it's real.. but I know it's not. A real company would pay the guy doing the wrap themselves. They would never have us do it.

Life with Steve... How do I get him to listen to me without freaking out on me? Hes just someone looking for a bit of hope like everyone else in this world does.. but this one will bite him in the ass if he doesn't walk away from it now..  

#9 this hair (pic)

So, not sure about the hair.. feeling like I gotta cover it up with something else now. The light brown doesn't seem like the right shade. I have black underneath. But it just didn't come out right I think. My friend Frankie thinks it looks fine. I don't know. I told him I'd give it a little time to grow on me. Steve thought I missed the back and KM chimed right in about something she didn't know anything about, claiming  that he was right. No, I did get it.. the color before just bled through. I don't think there's anything I can do with it that he will like. Why do I care? I hadn't before with any guy I've ever been with. Never cared what the guy thought at all, it my hair and I gotta wear it!.. I'm crazy for caring now..

But you know, when Steve came home today, he didn't notice that the house was clean.. (I mean.. it's always clean, but it's even more clean) He only noticed that I had filled the walmart trash bag in doing so, and it hadn't been taken out yet. That was kinda a blow in the face. He wanted to go back cause the Walmart bag was full of trash.
I don't get men mentality. I don't get why nothing can just be good enough. I don't understand why he expects me to be perfect. I do know though, as much I want him around.. if he keeps being negative and can't seem to see the great things in life... the things I do for him.. Maybe say thank you that I make sure he doesn't have to do anything when he comes home, it's all clean, dinners started, watch TV, and relax. Instead, I get asked what I've done.. well... Manners would be nice, cause I can't take the fits and criticism with no thank you's and glad to be home.

Wish Steve would get a clue. Hope that he will..

Though it did make me feel good that he stood up for me at Viega. Though everyone is upset about me being let go, and is asking why didn't they just move me? Well i was already looking into moving to first shift as KM needs me home in the evening when she goes back to school. And even asked about another area I was interested in. So that option was already there.
 Apparently I am a secret. They don't wanna talk about what happened. So whatever the big secret is, clearly its something your not supposed to fire for... or why not tell? Steve told them he doesn't wanna be there. It's only money that keeps him there for now. People liking you and doing a good job does not cement your job with them. I am proof of that. Makes a person want to get out on their own terms. And I get that. What ever Steve does is of his own mind and his own decision. I have nothing to do with it. But it is nice to know, he does stick up for me. He does care. He doesn't want to stand by while I get kicked. Basically, like me... he has a fire in his ass.. lol, and I gotta love that.

So In all.... ya, he's a jerk for not noticing what he should if he's gonna criticize the small things. But he's my most important supporter when the cards are down. I just wanna hug him and thunk him all at the same time. My Steve....

Life with Steve isn't what people would think... But I'm still head over heals if he will just take a good look at what he's got. I'm head over heals with a man that stands taller for me then any man ever has... My Steve.

#8 Today

My thoughts I keep going over for today..

This morning when Steve woke me for our time together.. As we hugged and kissed and held onto each other.. I couldn't help but wonder if we were gonna be ok. It made me sad really. Knowing that I will still be home when he gets here, made it different some how. I'm not sure how to go about this really. We both agreed that with us working opposite shifts, it threw us in a life style that happens after a couple has been together for  long time. We only saw each other on weekends and for our morning talks. All our money going into just barely making it. High stresses that new relationships just don't survive in. It takes a lot for people to get through all that. So, if I can find something in day work, it would help us a lot to be home together everyday. Steve mentioned how nice that would be.

So today, I will be dying my hair, and making myself new job presentable, so that I will be able to get something great, something worth having, and hopefully will get offered a day shift job. Maybe paying less in gas, and not having Stella hearse being run into the ground will make it easier to pay bills. And maybe getting a job close enough to walk to will help with KM.

I don't know.. today is a bit sad, and a little scary. I don't know what's going to happen, or what Steve is thinking. I don't know if everything is going to be okay. I just don't know. But what I do know is... I have a daughter turning 12 tomorrow that is counting on me to make it for us. And I have Steve who is watching and hoping I can pull my end together. So no matter what happens, I gotta put my foot out there and do the best I can. It's all or nothing, just the kind of girl I pride myself to be. Do what makes us come together, and hope it works out. Even though KM and I consider him family, I know he does not feel the same way about us. So not having that security makes this even harder.

Life with Steve.. Crossing fingers, holding breath, hoping for the best..

#7 The Talk??

So, Thursday we were supposed to have a talk. Steve took Thursday and Friday off with vacation days so that we could have this time. Since we work opposite shifts, we really only see each other on weekends. And we needed to talk before KM got home from camp Saturday.

My stomach was turning Wednesday night at work and I was just sad because I knew I was going to have to make a stand that he was going to have to date me all the time, or none if the time... not just when its convenient. Not just when no one is around or infront of only certain people. And he needs to know he won't cheat on me. Cause if he can sit there and tell me he don't know if he would, then don't get upset that I don't trust you.
I also knew that there was a chance that he may very well make his stand that he is "scared of me" and can't bring himself to date me. Well, if I'm that damn scary...... you know..
I was hoping for the best, but knew the percentage was much higher for the worst. And therefore was planning for that so that I wouldn't be caught off guard and would be ok either way.

Thursday morning came... I was finding it hard to even get out of bed. I didn't want this to end between us. I didn't want the snuggling at night to go away, or the way we fall asleep holding hands.. our early morning talks before he goes to work... I wanted to keep that. But I also knew I had to do what's right for me. I deserve to not have people think I have a guy living with me, in my room, in my bed.. with "sexual relations" and not be dating. Worse.... and have people think I'm chasing after him, someone I can't get and lying about dating him. I don't deserve to be made out that way at all... Someone I'm just not. Even though I don't care what people think... I do care when someone I'm with is putting me out there badly, instead of protecting who I really am. As I would do for him.

So as I am trying to get myself to wake up.. Steve keeps trying to get me to lay back down. Sleep more so I'm good for work he says. And that made it even harder to get up as he is busily running around the house to get things done. I do finally start to sit up, still dreading the talk, when my phone rings. It's my boss at the temp agency I work for. And.. I knew. I don't know how I knew, but I usually know these things. I knew that the company I had tried to get on with wasn't going to hire me. I've known this for a while now. And they let me go that day. The day of our talk. Luckily the temp agency I work for has more respect for hard working employees then this company did. The temp agency told me to file unemployment right away. He has no problem paying it for me since I had been with him for quite a while.

Well... that takes care of our talk. Steve didn't know if he was going to figure himself out without me, or if we were in this together. And because of that I was upset. Don't tell me to wait till you decide what to do. I have a child to think of. And even though I already know what I'm doing if it's just me and KM... I dont know what we are doing if we are all together and have to figure it out. So I need him to help with that. Although he was angry and said he was quiting, I told him he wasn't. As if I have any say on what he will do. And it felt good that he would stand that strong with me. But he needed to think about that. That's his job. At least look for another first. For me, I survived without Viega before I was there, I'll servive without them after I'm there. Maybe now find a job that allows me to move forward, instead of settle, and would not be affraid to approach me, causing me to lose respect for them.

It took about an hour, and he began talking about how we can make it, and keep the house we are in. My friend Martin, who is an amazing friend of mine, had offered his place for me and KM to stay as long as we like if Steve were to decide to take off all of a sudden, leaving us with no where to go. Now with this situation, he offered again, a place for all 3 of us (myself, KM, and Steve) to stay at his place for as long as we like. He made it clear that his house bills are quite cheap. We would actually have a lot of money left over if we were to stay with him.

 "You would be surprised how much money you have if you move in" 

It sounds like an opportunity to me to get a head, get my Stella hearse worked on, get Martin's Morticia hearse cleaned out, and maybe have something for ourselves upon moving out. Maybe our own business, maybe get a house, who knows..
But Steve, who was stuck living with other people for the last 7years finds it super hard to be going back to living in someone else's house again. He enjoys having his own place that's his own and wants to fight for it.. Steve has also made it clear that if we have to move in with Martin, it will kill his job. There is no way he will drive that distance. He will end up looking for another job if that's the path we have to take in the end.
So we are here in the house. Our house. We will see if we can do it. Without giving up cable (Steve won't give it up), and finding a refrigerator and washer and dryer to replace what we have to knock down Easy Home payments I was left with by my soon to be ex and my son.... I just hope it's possible.

So no talk, it never happened. Less income (unemployment only gives half of what you make) and apparently we are staying together. I still wonder about the girls he talks to. I don't completely trust him. But we had a good 4day weekend in getting both cars washed, the house washed on the outside and pulled pranks on each other.
My stress has come down a lot since being let go from my assignment. I no longer stress about Christmas and going half a month without pay. I no longer stress about checks being short Everytime they take a day off for the plant when I shouldn't have to go without pay and my check becomes short. I don't feel held back and helpless about it anymore. And I don't feel threatened if I try to go higher about it. I.e. being told by your Viega boss that if you make him look bad, he will make you look bad. After losing respect for this company because they would go to Steve about me, instead of having the courage to go to me about me... Ya, I started posting things on fb. It became apparent that was the only way to tell them how I felt. I needed someone to hear me. Talk to me and listen to me. Well, this company doesn't care about solving problems or at least trying, and the stress that all caused I can gladly say is all over. I needed one thing in my life to be secure. With my daughter acting out, Steve not being willing to have a normal relationship (the only thing in my life I expect to be normal) and my job holding me back... I was ready to explode or give up.. one of the two.

So onto the next chapter, and in hopes that this all works out..
Life with Steve... holding on for dear life...

#6 we are dating?

So this last weekend, out of boredom, I decide to update my FB status from single to dating Steve. Of which, now, appeantly FB doesn't ask if you want it announced anymore, it just posts it.. AND it doesn't wait till the next person excepts it anymore either.. It posts on both your pages right away. I didn't know that.. Not that I mind that it does that. So I was like, ok..

Steve however had a cow. He told everyone that we were not dating. Sent me a msg that he didn't know what we were. Well that opened a whole new can of worms. I had been wondering if he had been hitting on a certain person, and now... I was thinking probably so. I also know he doesn't mind having distant relationships on line because he feels that if they never meet, then that's ok. Well, it's not ok.

This is how that conversation went....

So ya, there it is. The good thing about instant Msgr and text is.... you can tell a whole conversation without it being he said she said. I care about him a lot... I do.. but the made up stories he tells himself about how I supposedly run his life and crap... That's him always needing to appear to be abused, that's how he gets his way.. and he certainly doesn't want people to think he has it better. He does what he wants when he wants.. He leads my home, and I try to live up to his standards. But he has proven to not be someone I can depend on cause he's ready to leave at any moments notice over the smallest things. I hope we find a way to get along. I hope he can start admitting we are dating all the time, not just when its convenient. He is really jealous of me talking to any guy over nothing, for someone who claims we are not dating. 

Life with Steve... sometimes I just wanna love em... sometimes I just wanna kill em... 

#5 pics

#4 Waking up with Steve

Waking up with Steve is a whole experience on its own, and different every day, lol...

 Even though I get home late, (by my choice, he wakes me) every morning he gets me up between 5am and 5:30.. basicly, when ever he gets completely ready for work, he wakes me up. I cherish those moments alone with him when no one listens in on what we say. Our private moment to connect and talk about yesterday, what we are thinking about today, bills to pay, and anything else at all.. That's my moment with him.

By the way, did I mention that waking up to him is a different experience everyday??? Lol, it is definitely an adventure!

This morning he decides to lick my ear and nose... and then is all over my face.. lol!! For some reason, I was really having a hard time waking up this morning... So it kept going on again and again after I would dose back off.. oh my, I became a slobbery mess, lol. But I kept getting extra kisses this morning too.. He is a good kisser, so ofcours I love that.

Life with Steve... Its a wet one today :)

#3 That Window

Yesterday, Kierstyn was with me while doing errons. She asked if she could stay in the car and wait for me while I went in and filed for lost titles. I told her that it was going to get hot if she stayed out.. But she didn't care. So I let her wait. However, when I came back out, she was messing with the window. She tried to roll it down while the door was standing open anyway. Since I've had the car, the windows don't come down. Steve and I just got it to where it finally sits right, not even a week ago.
 Im sure she didn't mean to do anything wrong, maybe she forgot it won't come down right.. For me, maybe it's just the build up of all the stuff she has been doing.. but I kinda went off about it. I feel bad about it now... So will have to talk to her today.

When I went into work yesterday, I caught Steve on his last break. Told him what happened. When he got off work, before leaving the property, he went to my car and fixed the window... Talk about making my day.. it's funny how things like that makes such a huge difference in how your day goes. I just kept thanking him over text, lol..

When he came home, he mowed and did yard work. Yard work seems to be a big deal to him. I told him how awesome it is that he did it...
 but in the back of my mind, I kinda wonderd when its going to bite me in the butt. Here lately, it doesn't take long before he acts like I slave drive him. But it was his choice to do it on a week day. I really am thankful he takes care of such jobs though.

He was really happy to see that KM did her chores and then some before taking off to play with friends, usually it's beyond pulling teeth to get her to do anything.. even to go be a kid. I was ecstatic to hear it!! I hope he understands that she will still mess up some, even though she's moving forward. She is human after all.. 2 steps forward , 1 step back. Either way, was nice to know that everyone is getting along...
For now....
Oh please, please everyone get along ....

#2 that damn door knob!! (Pic)

Notice anything different with this door?? That's right, no door knob. Kierstyn gets into and takes anything she likes. She has no regard to others at all what so ever as to what it feels like to be taken from. We have 3 door ways in our room. We have boarded up 2 of the doorways and (as they all only had curtins on them) put a door with a new key locking door knob on it in the one doorway that we use. We did this to have the ability to keep things that are ours, and to keep her from searching through our stuff that is none if her business. As well as stop her from barging in on us when ever she feels like it, giving us no privacy. We keep the door locked at all times, even when we are here as she takes every opportunity to get into our things. And we don't even have that much.

In addition to locking our room up, and treating our room as a safe.. We have also locked up the basement. It had an old doorknob on it that used a skeleton key to lock and unlock it. We were surprised to find that key still with the house as old as it is. And it still worked.

However, when Steve got home, apparently KM (Kierstyn) decided to try and get the whole door knob off to get in the basement. It was just hanging when Steve got to it. So he took it off.. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, it's a rental property too!!
Why!!!!! Why can't she just stop??? It's wearing on Steve, and wearing on me too...

Many times I wonder how does a fairly new relationship servive these things, when many marriages don't even survive them. I don't know.. I hope we are stronger then the struggles of dealing with her...

#1 introduction/ the good &bad

Sharing a home with Steve had been an extreme experience on both sides of the scale. Really nothing sits in the middle at all.

I love having him here because it's nice having someone actually be nice to me. I love his soft voice and he says the things that would melt most girls hearts. I care about him a lot. And having someone that actually helps with the bills and house upkeep is very new to me.

He does the silliest things out of the blue that just makes you shake your head and giggle. We have plenty of those moments for sure..

However, on the flip side.. he can say the meanest things that are not true if he gets mad. And the things he will get mad about are tiny things. Or things that are normal in anyone's lives. Like one time he packed his things and left because I was trying to find help for a rather large water bill we (I) have due to 2 pipes bursting. Every time he packs in a huff, leaving me... over nothing... I grow more and more insecure with our relationship, and now that I have a back up plan for when he wants to pack and go.. I will no longer be an emotional mess over it, my head racing, and trying to figure out what to do as I depend on him for his half the rent. But now... I can move on just fine without him if I need to. And that's a relief. Definitely gave me some control back to my life.

He flips things around on me, that are his issues, not mine. I have no idea where he gets these things. He will tell me that I need to get a new sugar daddy, and claim that I only have him cause I want someone to take care of me. In actuality, I pay my half the rent and I pay ALL the bills to the house... Water/trash/electric/gas/renting appliances... I also help pay for food. And here lately, I don't even get sex. So I don't know how this adds up to him being a sugar daddy. I think I'm the sugar momma if it's gonna be one way or the other. Honestly, the reason it hurts either way... is because I thought we were working together, to take care of each other... to survive and make it together. When he makes comments about all he does is sink money into this house.. I can't help but think, no... you sink all your money into your credit card debt.. and that's not my fault. As far as you only having to pay half rent and help with food... welcome to life, you gotta pay your way some where, some how.. I'm not fully supporting yet another man. I'm not doin it. It's a real punch in the face when he acts like I must have money set aside... he knows how much I make, and that every cent goes to bills. I mean, how does he think they get paid?? I certainly don't have little bill fairies running around taking care of them for me..

When he tells me that he can't promise that he won't cheat. And I catch him flirting with people on the net.. He feels that isn't enough to make me insecure and if I question him, he immediately accuses me of cheating.. so ofcours that makes me think even more that he is.
However, now that I have a back up plan, as a very good friend of mine is wanting me to stay with them if Steve doesn't stick around.. it's made me relax more. If I catch him.. he will be instantly out. I don't need that. Let the next person deal with his fits of leaving and abandoning and claiming to be a sugar daddy while most the bills are not paid by him. You can only pull the same crap with so many people before you start getting figured out.

Steve has OCD. So everything is spotless all the time. I have worked hard to be up to his standards. But he knows there are certain things I just can't get to on the weekdays. So he takes care of them for me before the weekends. Just like I do all the bill paying and running around needed on the weekdays, cause it can't be done on the weekends. Not a problem. Except that now everything he does to help out.. apparently makes him abused as someone who has to do everything. Instead of us being a team and working together. I can't do it all. I pay most the bills, do ALL the running around, do my kids things, and get some house chores done too.. That right there, seems like a lot to me.. I always tell him thank you, and good job on things hes done. I don't know what more he wants.

The fact that we work in the same place has been stressful. I don't know what may have been said about me there... as he puts off a "im mistreated and need to be protected" outlook.. And I've wondered if he pulls this at work behind my back. I hope not. but as people (girls) want him to move out of my place, and to move in with them.. and some won't talk to me, while others glare at me... I can't help but wonder. They don't know him, or what he pulls. So I'm sure I'm a monster in some eyes, while I do what I can to care for him. You don't truly know people till you live with them. So with that said... he can cause some real issues at my job. And I need that job to take care of my daughter. I'm looking into hopefully getting moved to another building to hopefully eliminate the drama, amongst other reasons as well.. hes definitely about the drama, then blames me for it..

I wish he was nicer to my dogs. They are dogs. They act like dogs. And even though Ocean is driving me crazy with how she wants to get into things now when she hadn't before... they are dogs. He doesn't have to yell at them. Be stern with their stubborn asses maybe.. but don't yell at them. And he does that a lot over things that it's just not needed. He doesn't seem to be trying to be rough... He likes animals. He just doesn't seem to be the most understanding to them. He would have better communication with them if he did.

My daughter, Kierstyn, makes it hard for him to deal with things. She's an extreme difficult person to deal with. She makes living together way more stressful then it ever should be. She makes life very negative to deal with and she doesn't appreciate anything done for her. To the point that you don't wanna do anything for her. She sucks the fun out of everything in most situations. I love her.. but realistically, dating while she is in my house..... I knew better then to even try.. This right here... has put a lot of stress on my relationship with Steve.

So why do I do this? I don't know.. i asked myself that. Usually the answer was, I need help paying the bills, and I don't have extra room for a roommate that would need their own room. And I loved him for a while.. now... hes here cause i choose to have him here. Hopefully one day he will gain my trust again to love him again. I guess I have a hope that he will grow up and stop running away at every dumb thing. Then he says I'm wussy? I need to toughen up? I stay and deal. I'm not the one running. I also hope that he will realize we all are victim of our bills and trying to make it. I keep hoping he will realize how good he really has it here. Dispite my daughter's fits. There arnt very many people out there that will take on most bills, and appreciate what he brings, and give him the lead to lead the household with fair say in everything while he accuses her of thinking it's all about her (Me). So I do hope one day he looks back and thinks damn, I got it good... and stops leaving at every whim.

I do want him in my life.... I really really want him. We will see if he will stay now that I will never beg him to stay again. He has to stay on his own choice. Sometimes i feel like surely we will spend our life together... and sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for him to freak out again.. telling me that I'm the one thats crazy. Well... maybe I am... Look at what I put up with. Hes lucky I am..

Keep in mind that this is an introductory of the good and bad. We have a lot of amazing days.. Days that I just wanna hold onto him forever.. a lot of amazing weeks.. a lot of amazing moments.. a lot of him being the little amazing him...

Now let's see if our relationship can be amazing too...
Because sometimes it's hard to deny that I love him. Our talks every morning before he goes to work, and every night when I race home from work so he can wrap his legs around mine and pull me close. When he reaches over and strokes my hair and we go to sleep holding hands.. those are the most Amazing moments of my everyday.. The moments that I live for. His gental voice telling me to go to sleep, or the crazy things he does to wake me in the mornings.. ya... these are the moments I want to last forever..

He wants to keep us safe. Our things safe. And is willing to do what it takes to do that. He looks out for us and that's something I have never had before..