So, Martin and I met because of the hearses. But it was through our job. He worked 3rd shift, and I worked 2nd. We both started about the same time, but we never really ran 8nto each other. They came on 2 hours before my shift ended, but would be taken to a different area in the store. We were on a Walmart remodel crew through a temp agency.
One of my bosses and a co worker told me that there was a guy on the night shift who is also a hearse driver. My immediate reaction was "There's ANOTHER hearse out there! AND *I* didn't notice it???"
No, they said... He's new to the area, his hearse is still in Ohio, he is going to go get it and bring it here.
"Really? Yes, I want to meet him, thats so cool! We are getting a hearse guy.."
Well, it turns out, Martin was the one that never noticed a hearse parked out in the lot. Ofcourse, I never parked where workers parked. I parked at the end of the lot where customers parked... Although there were plenty of times that I slept in her in the empty parking lot. So I was out there through out his shift, lol...
One night when they had the shifts working close to each other, my manager and co worker both came to me and said, hey, that guy is here. Right clise over here.. Come meet him.
Well, okay, I was down for that... So I followed the girls a couple isles over, they pointed him out to me in tbe bra and underwear section helping to move a rack.
They called him and he immediately came right over. They introduced us as hearse drivers. I was completely thrilled to meet another hearse person, and he... well... was happy to meet me, but had to get over the fact that I was a chic hearse driver. Apparently he had seen Stella around town, but he thought that she would have a guy driver. We instantly clicked. Kind of a... oh, I've been looking for you forever, type of click, I finally found you. Martin admitted a year later that he had felt it too. From that piint on, we always found each other as soon as his shift came in. I would go chat with him on his break as we were clocking out, then go on to Stella, where I would bed down for the night. After a while, they pushed all the shifts together onto first shift. Since I had been working 2nd and Martin had been working 3rd... we were both having to adjust. They were matching people up every morning to work together. Who you worked with changed every day.... except for Martin and I. We were matched up right away. They figured out that we work together really well and get a lot done together. So.. we were the only two that got matched together every day. We really had a good time working together. Our everyday subject was hearses. Thats all we talked about... except for when I spoke about how much I hated Mike (my then husbsnd) and sometimes would talk about Michelle (his then very new girlfriend) but for the most part... it was all about hearses. Lol..
Now, over a year later, it looks like we will be working together again. Sams, that is apart of Walmart is a company I worked for before and really had a lot of friends there and they really wanted me back, and HR was pulling for both of us to be hired on. Turns out, the manager that was at Walmart when we were on that remodel team, is now at Sams as well. With him remembering us from the remodel team, he also wanted us on.
So, cool!! Am excited to work with Martin again and how funny that its through the same company.
Thursday, November 10, 2016
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
#19 Emotions need to catch up
One of the hardest parts for me in this relationship is that I have myself so convinced that no one could ever love me. My own family couldn't even love me or eccept me, anyone who ever said they did love me was a lie.. that is... except for my girls. But thats different.
So without meaning to, I secretly question Martin. My brain knows he does in fact love me, while my emotions think it can't be real. But my emotions are wrong and are trying to protect me, and I wish they would jump on board. I kept thinking they would if I just give it time... And I still do. I'm just becoming quite impatient with myself.
I know I love him. I can't even imagine my life without him. Even though we havn't been together for long, it feels like its been forever. Like we have always known each other through life times and finally found each other again. Its a strong and deep bond that I don't know how to really explain. Martin and I call it the click. As soon as we saw each other, there was a click. It was instant and we right away had to be around each other, talk constant (of which I found out later that he didn't normally talk to women) and we couldn't let the other go. We recognized each other, we finally found each other. I just don't know what else to say about that. Martin and I have spoken about this a lot. We agree with each other on this, but we just can't put our finger firmly on it. When we finally started to date a year later.... Our souls just seem to cling together, and won't let go.
And that makes it extra frustrating that my emotions are very on board in the fact that I love him with every bit of spark in my soul... but my emotions are so busy questioning his love. Though my soul and brain knows he loves me very much.
I don't know how Steve caused so much damage in the short time that I dated him... but because he was ready to bail over issues he would make up in his head... and it doesn't matter if everyone was having a good time or not, he would instantly decide he was leaving and make it all about him.
Sooo, now... even though I know that in no way would Martin do this cause he is a real man... my emotions are always afraid it will happen. That one day, he could walk away, cause thats what people do.
Again.... waiting for my emotions to jump onto the reality train. Because they are making things scary from time to time.
This man is my love. My connection and my everything. And whether my emotions are on board or not, I am totally dedicated to him. The one emotion that is completely on board is how much he means to me. I don't know what the bigger story is with us, but I intend on finding out. Or at least as much as I can.
So without meaning to, I secretly question Martin. My brain knows he does in fact love me, while my emotions think it can't be real. But my emotions are wrong and are trying to protect me, and I wish they would jump on board. I kept thinking they would if I just give it time... And I still do. I'm just becoming quite impatient with myself.
I know I love him. I can't even imagine my life without him. Even though we havn't been together for long, it feels like its been forever. Like we have always known each other through life times and finally found each other again. Its a strong and deep bond that I don't know how to really explain. Martin and I call it the click. As soon as we saw each other, there was a click. It was instant and we right away had to be around each other, talk constant (of which I found out later that he didn't normally talk to women) and we couldn't let the other go. We recognized each other, we finally found each other. I just don't know what else to say about that. Martin and I have spoken about this a lot. We agree with each other on this, but we just can't put our finger firmly on it. When we finally started to date a year later.... Our souls just seem to cling together, and won't let go.
And that makes it extra frustrating that my emotions are very on board in the fact that I love him with every bit of spark in my soul... but my emotions are so busy questioning his love. Though my soul and brain knows he loves me very much.
I don't know how Steve caused so much damage in the short time that I dated him... but because he was ready to bail over issues he would make up in his head... and it doesn't matter if everyone was having a good time or not, he would instantly decide he was leaving and make it all about him.
Sooo, now... even though I know that in no way would Martin do this cause he is a real man... my emotions are always afraid it will happen. That one day, he could walk away, cause thats what people do.
Again.... waiting for my emotions to jump onto the reality train. Because they are making things scary from time to time.
This man is my love. My connection and my everything. And whether my emotions are on board or not, I am totally dedicated to him. The one emotion that is completely on board is how much he means to me. I don't know what the bigger story is with us, but I intend on finding out. Or at least as much as I can.
Saturday, October 1, 2016
#18 hearse girl/guy/couple (pic)
The difference between a hearse girl, a hearse guy and a hearse couple...
Being a hearse girl, everyone wanted to talk to me. I would always be approached and asked questions about my Stella and what it was like having her. People always giving ideas on what to do next with her, sometimes they were really good ideas. If I go anywhere just to get away for a minute, I would have to get out of her and walk away to have my moment because trying to have a moment anywhere near her wasnt gonna happen. I always felt it was funny that it wasn't really me getting the attaintion, it was Stella. ALWAYS all about Stella.. lolol... People in town knew my cars name, but had no clue who I was, I was just her driver... at places of work, people would try to figure out who drove the hearse, and as soon as they found out I was a girl, they would just HAVE to talk to me. I don't mind at all. Its just apart of being a hearse girl and I have made some really cool friends because of my Stella. I didn't know I would attract so much attention from driving a car like her when I got her. I thought she would be noticed at first because of what she is but eventually people would get used to seeing her around and it wouldn't be a big deal. I couldn't have been further from the truth. However, i did get used to it and eventually didn't even notice it as much anymore. It was just apart of my life. Stella the hearse, and me, the invisible driver, lol... I found a lot of humor in it...
Back when Martin and I were just friends, I would often hear people tell me that they saw a guy in a black hearse rocken out. I would always light up and be like, ya, thats my friend, Martin!! He's my hearse buddy! And I would proceed to tell them all about him. However, I did notice the difference between him and me on the streets. Where as with me, Stella was noticed and I was invisible.... With Martin, he was very noticed and his hearse with his tunes, rather then him belonging to the car, the car belonged to him. (I would like to say here, it never bothered me that there were differences between how we were noticed, It was just something I definitely noticed is all.) I figured it is just the subconscious differences in how people recognize men and women. I also found humor in this as well. As I said, while I am invisible as Stella's driver as she steals the show..
Martin would be discribed as a creeper, stalker, cool dude, this hearse guy, scary guy, jammin guy, and a bunch more descriptions that I just can't remember at the moment. Many times I felt that maybe it was better to be an invisible driver that belonged to my car... lol...
When becoming a hearse couple, something that I noticed litteraly within days of becoming a hearse couple.... I wasn't just invisible anymore, but I am now a copy cat.
When a hearse girl gains a relationship with a hearse guy... suddenly no one talks to you anymore, because it is assumed that either he got you a hearse after he had his.. or you got one cause he had one.. or he has two hearses and your the girlfriend. I would like to say thst it doesn't bother me, but it does. Its never been about attention or anything like that. But I do enjoy being a hearse girl. Its a part of who I am. When people talk to us, they are only interested in talking to the hearse guy and if you join the conversation at all as you were standing there invisible from the start... you are on a whole new level of invisible when no matter what you say.... your completely ignored, as if your not there at all. You have now become the hearse guys girlfriend, and no one cares about what you think or what you have to say about them. Ya, your still a hearse girl in the fact that you just are. But as a hearse couple, the girl does seem to lose her title as one.
Martin is quick to point out I drive one too. Or that the other one they thought was his is actually mine.. and many times it surprises them. But its still left with the assumption that I only have one because of him, not because I'm a true hearse girl and you can see it.. It sucks that just because I'm a girl, people just won't see me for who I am.
So if your a hearse girl thinking about dating a hearse guy... this is just something to think about.
For me... Martin is an amazing person in my life and I will keep him regardless. Being changed from a hearse girl, to just the hearse guys girlfriend in peoples heads isn't really an all bad thing in the fact that there are other hearse girls, and there are other hearse guy's girlfriends. But I am the only Martin's girlfriend. And that is something I treasure even more.
But that doesn't go without saying that it is like going through a culture shock, dealing with the stereotypeing people put you in just because your a girl. I didn't mind being invisible before.. and now that I'm even more invisible, maybe people won't notice that its me kicking them in the leg for stereotypeing me.
One thing I can count on... I will never be invisible to Martin. I will always be first important and he will always love the hearse girl in me that he knows is there.. even if no one else sees that in me anymore...
And that folks is my experience on the difference between a hearse girl, a hearse guy, and being a hearse couple..
#17 (pics) A Harley isn't just a bike, it becomes a part in your relationship.
Martin used to be in a biker club when he lived in Ohio. He talks a lot about riding year round and wanting me to learn as well. Because of some paper work issues, his bike was grounded a year since coming to Kansas. So when I said, lets get this done.. seeing him smile ear to ear is an image that I will never forget. I love seeing him smile, it makes my heart flutter every time.
For a month, the Harley was the only legal vehicle we had. I found out what piece a rumbling bike between your legs gives you as I would hold onto Martin and watch the fields go by, just gazing at it all or watching a hawk fly above us... its different then through the window of a car. Though your still racing by it all, you can't help but feel like your apart of it. And then.... you just got pelted on the forhead by a big ass bug.... yep, your apart of it now! And it hurt too. Keep your lips shut and your hair tied down. Always have glasses on and shorts suck when those bugs hit your legs. Yep, I learned a lot... Still am. But I gotta tell ya, nothing like riding along and your boyfriend brings in his hand to hold yours as you hang on to him. When he notices your hands are ice cold he folds your hands in his to warm them. There is a connection there that just makes you melt into him. I love when he brings his hand back and holds onto my leg, or even when he grabs my ass, which makes me giggle, lol... Because he doesn't have a sissy bar, I am always right up against him barely looking over his shoulder or just have my head layed against him sideways, watching everything go by. I get so comfortable, I could just fall asleep if I'm not careful.
Yesterday I found out what it was like to ride as a group on a road trip. There's something great about the roar down below you, but to have them rumbling all around you as well is powering. I have to say, I think I like it..
This new life of mine with so much meaning. So much gentleness and so much love. A new experience that I had no idea was out there and no idea how great life could be.
#16 Moving in
Moving in with Martin has been a whole experience in itself. We have found that as paid workers, we can get a lot done, but at home... we can barely pull out of each others arms long enough to get much done at all. So after 2 months of living together, we have found that we have to really push ourselves hard to get out and around. Give us time, we are getting better at it.
We right away found ourselves with little to no money. Our outlook on this has been so different. Martin is used to having money, never having to worry about not being able to pay a bill or food. Living under $4000 a month was unthinkable to him, and here we are with barely $1000. He is quite humble for a guy that has never had to worry about money a day in his life, but he didn't quite know how to live on such a little amount.
Where as for me... I have lived on nothing all my life. Struggled to take care of children.. and men who either wouldn't work or if they did, had no real interest in helping out. Knowing that I was about to be homeless yet again if Martin hadn't of saved me and KM from that fait.... for me.. living in a home, though it needed lots of repair, that didn't need rent paid... in a city that worked with its residents, where I knew we would be okay.... man, I felt like I won the lottery.
I told him I would show him how to get by just fine on basicly nothing. This was my life and I knew it well. He provided the home and the jack of all trades, I provided the know how on servival. We are doing just fine.
Its funny how we became almost the same person traveling on complete different paths.
We right away found ourselves with little to no money. Our outlook on this has been so different. Martin is used to having money, never having to worry about not being able to pay a bill or food. Living under $4000 a month was unthinkable to him, and here we are with barely $1000. He is quite humble for a guy that has never had to worry about money a day in his life, but he didn't quite know how to live on such a little amount.
Where as for me... I have lived on nothing all my life. Struggled to take care of children.. and men who either wouldn't work or if they did, had no real interest in helping out. Knowing that I was about to be homeless yet again if Martin hadn't of saved me and KM from that fait.... for me.. living in a home, though it needed lots of repair, that didn't need rent paid... in a city that worked with its residents, where I knew we would be okay.... man, I felt like I won the lottery.
I told him I would show him how to get by just fine on basicly nothing. This was my life and I knew it well. He provided the home and the jack of all trades, I provided the know how on servival. We are doing just fine.
Its funny how we became almost the same person traveling on complete different paths.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
#15 facelift (pic)
My Blogger page is getting a facelift from:
Stef and Steve, about us..
Hi, I'm Stef, and I have my boyfriend, Steve. Life with Steve is something else, let me tell ya. He makes us laugh, and I find the funniest and most heart tugging things out of the things that he does.. things that he doesn't think much of. We also have a roller coaster relationship that can go wild out of no where. I get confused by him a lot, and I don't know why he gets confused about me.. I think I'm a pretty straight forward person. Either way, in the end, we are both broken people that are learning how to cope with ourselves and each other, as well as deal with my youngest daughter and all the issues she copes with because of a very abusive marriage with her dad. My middle daughter who does very well for herself but also copes with some frustration, though she spends most of her time with her friends and lives with her dad. My oldest son who I no longer have contact with because he supports my ex's abusiveness and is becoming like him.
I'm out there without a care of what people think, driving around in my hearse that I work to keep up, just being me. Steve loves his mustang, and cares a lot what people think. He kinda gets frustrated with my be free lifestyle, and I get frustrated with his keep in mind that people are watching life style. However I try to understand that with him being a little person, hes had people watching him his whole life.. always staring, gocking... I think he tries to understand that with me.. I've always had people making things up about me so much that no one knows me anyway.. so why should I care what they think if they are just gonna gossip anyway..
With me trying to keep up with Steve's OCD and the fact he's never had a family setting and dealing with kids before.. my youngest daughter's sloppiness/hoarding issues and trying to establish who is the adult here, without losing the wonderful heart that she has.. and my middle daughter growing up and wishing I could see her more before she's on her own and making sure she has what she needs to move on in life.. and dealing with my oldest son who has turned out learning how to take advantage of others, and scam to get what he wants...my life is pretty full.
This is the diary of how we manage in my point of view..
Stef and Steve, about us..
Hi, I'm Stef, and I have my boyfriend, Steve. Life with Steve is something else, let me tell ya. He makes us laugh, and I find the funniest and most heart tugging things out of the things that he does.. things that he doesn't think much of. We also have a roller coaster relationship that can go wild out of no where. I get confused by him a lot, and I don't know why he gets confused about me.. I think I'm a pretty straight forward person. Either way, in the end, we are both broken people that are learning how to cope with ourselves and each other, as well as deal with my youngest daughter and all the issues she copes with because of a very abusive marriage with her dad. My middle daughter who does very well for herself but also copes with some frustration, though she spends most of her time with her friends and lives with her dad. My oldest son who I no longer have contact with because he supports my ex's abusiveness and is becoming like him.
I'm out there without a care of what people think, driving around in my hearse that I work to keep up, just being me. Steve loves his mustang, and cares a lot what people think. He kinda gets frustrated with my be free lifestyle, and I get frustrated with his keep in mind that people are watching life style. However I try to understand that with him being a little person, hes had people watching him his whole life.. always staring, gocking... I think he tries to understand that with me.. I've always had people making things up about me so much that no one knows me anyway.. so why should I care what they think if they are just gonna gossip anyway..
With me trying to keep up with Steve's OCD and the fact he's never had a family setting and dealing with kids before.. my youngest daughter's sloppiness/hoarding issues and trying to establish who is the adult here, without losing the wonderful heart that she has.. and my middle daughter growing up and wishing I could see her more before she's on her own and making sure she has what she needs to move on in life.. and dealing with my oldest son who has turned out learning how to take advantage of others, and scam to get what he wants...my life is pretty full.
This is the diary of how we manage in my point of view..
#14 Steve is out, Martin is in...
Well, Steve was on his way out. And I was going to have to get through a week of crap with him. I called one of my friends over, Rachel, who I know I can talk about anything with. I told her everything. And she showed me texts where Steve was trying to get her to come over while I was at work. He would ask her to come lay with him on the couch and watch tv. Or would want her to come over and drink. Just what ever. I knew he was pulling crap like that, just didn't have proof. He tried to make me lose what friends I had by telling them stories about me and acting like he was abused. But what he didn't know, is that I am so picky about my friends, that the only ones I have are the ones that know me well and who will be by my side no matter what. He loses...
I was excited about my new relationship with someone who I knew was worth my time, at a time that I was ready to give up on relationships all together.
So... when Steve jumped up on the bed and tried to tell me that I told him he should listen to me, it was everything I could do to keep from laughing. He did everything he could to make me feel like I should talk to him about staying. I wouldn't, I couldn't get him out fast enough at this point, and he did it to himself. So mid week, when I walked in my room and found that he had unpacked, I was like, what the hell? He unpacked? Am I ever getting rid of him? This unthankful jerk thinks he's staying? I texted both Martin and Rachel about this. They couldn't believe it either. If Martin had to come and move him out for him, as far as I was concerned, Steve was leaving that weekend whether he liked it or not.
Steve one morning, cornerd my dog, Feora, who is 8 years old. He was mad at her for wanting to be near me. He doubled up his fist and was gonna punch her. I got between them. And he went off. How dare I protect my dog. And that one day I'll come home and find her dead. I wanted to beat him down, my heart was crying for her, I just wanted this to end.
The next morning I said something to Steve about his stuff being unpacked. He made the comment to me, "If you make me move out one more time......." and I thought, then what? WHAT?? What is it you think you will do? Cause I'm done. Your leaving.
The very next day after that.... I was called to go to someones house who was going to help me with my tire on my car. So I went there. I knew Steve would be livid that I wasn't home. But I didnt care. it didn't take much to get him to pack and I planned on making this happen. He thinks I'm gonna ask him back, he doesn't get it that there isn't any coming back. He called me yelling and screaming on the phone as he normally would do. He told me he was going to kill my daughter, of which I warned him that he will not. He hung up on me to call again and scream at me again. He told me he might not be there when I get back, I replied, "ok."
When I finally did make it home, he was packing. He was hateful and going off. I just layed down on the bed and waited for him to be out. The stress was high, and so I texted someone to get ahold of Martin. Martin was on his way...
By what little luck Steve had, Martin missed him by about 5 or 10 minutes. That night, Martin stayed with me. And he stayed in my house with me till I could get everything moved to his house on Aug 1st.
But that night Steve left, Steve tried to text me about how it was all KM's fault that he had to move out and kept trying to leave things open for me to beg him back. I thought, is he really that stupid? Does he not get it? Dude, your OUT!!
He unfriended me on fb, but tried to be friends with Rachel, who blocked him. I thought he was gone out of my life..
But then.... he starts talking to me again. He treats me like I'm supposed to be a booty call now. And I'm letting him know he's done. But he still doesn't get it. He tries to tell me that life is so less stressful surfing couches then it is to have a home of his own... Really? Ya, he's really that much of an idiot.
So, while I'm taking lunch to Martin, Martin and I decide to make it fb official. Steve freaks out on me. Its been weeks since he's been out, and he now acts like I'm going behind his back. Ya, crazy much? He tells me to fuck off and die. And I thought that was it.
However, later, months later... he tries to call me, and he starts to talk about me to my friends and gets stalkish. I let him know he needed to stop. Hopefully this has stopped.
But for now, a whole new beginning, a whole new life.... We were supposed to start new when I got my ex out. But Steve became even worse than my ex. Only it took 12 years for me to successfully get away from my ex. Thankfully Steve was a big baby, ready to leave for no reason at all. Though it was hard to get it in his head that I'm done. It wasn't hard to get him out all together.
KM and I are having to deal with the hell Steve broght with him... but it gets easier. And we really do have a new beginning.
Now I need to facelift this blog as well....
I was excited about my new relationship with someone who I knew was worth my time, at a time that I was ready to give up on relationships all together.
So... when Steve jumped up on the bed and tried to tell me that I told him he should listen to me, it was everything I could do to keep from laughing. He did everything he could to make me feel like I should talk to him about staying. I wouldn't, I couldn't get him out fast enough at this point, and he did it to himself. So mid week, when I walked in my room and found that he had unpacked, I was like, what the hell? He unpacked? Am I ever getting rid of him? This unthankful jerk thinks he's staying? I texted both Martin and Rachel about this. They couldn't believe it either. If Martin had to come and move him out for him, as far as I was concerned, Steve was leaving that weekend whether he liked it or not.
Steve one morning, cornerd my dog, Feora, who is 8 years old. He was mad at her for wanting to be near me. He doubled up his fist and was gonna punch her. I got between them. And he went off. How dare I protect my dog. And that one day I'll come home and find her dead. I wanted to beat him down, my heart was crying for her, I just wanted this to end.
The next morning I said something to Steve about his stuff being unpacked. He made the comment to me, "If you make me move out one more time......." and I thought, then what? WHAT?? What is it you think you will do? Cause I'm done. Your leaving.
The very next day after that.... I was called to go to someones house who was going to help me with my tire on my car. So I went there. I knew Steve would be livid that I wasn't home. But I didnt care. it didn't take much to get him to pack and I planned on making this happen. He thinks I'm gonna ask him back, he doesn't get it that there isn't any coming back. He called me yelling and screaming on the phone as he normally would do. He told me he was going to kill my daughter, of which I warned him that he will not. He hung up on me to call again and scream at me again. He told me he might not be there when I get back, I replied, "ok."
When I finally did make it home, he was packing. He was hateful and going off. I just layed down on the bed and waited for him to be out. The stress was high, and so I texted someone to get ahold of Martin. Martin was on his way...
By what little luck Steve had, Martin missed him by about 5 or 10 minutes. That night, Martin stayed with me. And he stayed in my house with me till I could get everything moved to his house on Aug 1st.
But that night Steve left, Steve tried to text me about how it was all KM's fault that he had to move out and kept trying to leave things open for me to beg him back. I thought, is he really that stupid? Does he not get it? Dude, your OUT!!
He unfriended me on fb, but tried to be friends with Rachel, who blocked him. I thought he was gone out of my life..
But then.... he starts talking to me again. He treats me like I'm supposed to be a booty call now. And I'm letting him know he's done. But he still doesn't get it. He tries to tell me that life is so less stressful surfing couches then it is to have a home of his own... Really? Ya, he's really that much of an idiot.
So, while I'm taking lunch to Martin, Martin and I decide to make it fb official. Steve freaks out on me. Its been weeks since he's been out, and he now acts like I'm going behind his back. Ya, crazy much? He tells me to fuck off and die. And I thought that was it.
However, later, months later... he tries to call me, and he starts to talk about me to my friends and gets stalkish. I let him know he needed to stop. Hopefully this has stopped.
But for now, a whole new beginning, a whole new life.... We were supposed to start new when I got my ex out. But Steve became even worse than my ex. Only it took 12 years for me to successfully get away from my ex. Thankfully Steve was a big baby, ready to leave for no reason at all. Though it was hard to get it in his head that I'm done. It wasn't hard to get him out all together.
KM and I are having to deal with the hell Steve broght with him... but it gets easier. And we really do have a new beginning.
Now I need to facelift this blog as well....
#13
My phone went out. And because of that, getting in my account wasn't easy. I will be continuing my story though.
I havevfound though that my ex has gotten in my account on you tube. So if you have found this blog through a nasty msg left on a youtube account. It wasn'tme, I swear.
But my story will continue.
I havevfound though that my ex has gotten in my account on you tube. So if you have found this blog through a nasty msg left on a youtube account. It wasn'tme, I swear.
But my story will continue.
Friday, August 12, 2016
#12 4th of July (pic)
So, Martin picks up me and Kierstyn. We go to a friend of his house for a bit before heading to Indian Rock to watch all the shows around town. I was feeling really nervous about meeting anyone at the moment because I was feeling so messed up over what Steve just pulled. He just refuses to let me and kM enjoy anything. But it turned out ok.. Vented about it as i was given the floor to. Really was just ready to go enjoy fireworks. And hoped it would be ok.. Hoped Steve wouldn't be calling me up screaming at me the whole time.
Upon getting to Indian Rock, Martin put the blankets we brought up ontop of his hearse. And he helped me up ontop of it with him. KM joined us, but soon was back down on the ground. Martin and I sat together up on top waiting for the night to begin. We talked all evening and even all through the fire works show as we now layed next to each other just watching all around. Not that talking non stop is anything unusual for us. We tend to talk non stop from the time we met when ever we are together.
I have to admit, I was kinda scared being up there at first. So he kept a hold of me the whole time, of which turned out being really nice. Ofcours now... I'm a little more brave about it all, but never would I have had the courage to try it without him, lol..
So it seemed like it didn't take long, the shows were all done. But Martin and I stayed on the roof of his hearse just staring at the stars, continuing to talk up a storm, while KM was inside the hearse playing on the net through my phone.
After a bit, he had to get back to the house he had been staying the night with, as he lives a bit out of town and would sometimes stay with friends in town for gas reasons. (He worked in town)
However, we both were not ready to call it a night. So he drove us to his friends place where we put a blanket back up on his hearse, climbed back ontop and layed back to look at the stars while KM continued to sit in the car browsing the net... but... looking at the stars was difficult as we noticed just how much tree was hanging over us... although that wasn't the hugest deal as we both knew we weren't climbing back ontop of the hearse for the stars, so much as we were wanting to spend time together, getting closer.
We talked all night long. The whole time knowing Steve would be home stewing. But we didn't care. We just couldn't pull ourselves away from each other. We kept talking about me and KM moving in with him. And about how we have always clicked right from the second we met. As if we had always known each other, reunited.
As we spoke he kept leaning in.
And then.... we kissed... I was really happy about it... but thinking.... "um, I just kissed my best friend... I don't think we are just friends anymore... We just brought this up to an amazing level."
I didn't know what to do. It was like time stopped and I just layed my head down on the black top of his hearse since the blanket had moved around. He layed his head down facing me.. we just layed there for what felt like an eternity, quiet... I wanted to kiss him again so bad. But I felt paralyzed for the moment... waiting to see what his next move was. But I think he was waiting to see what mine would be. Me needing him to be in control since Steve had conditioned me at this point that I couldn't be the one to reach out, or take control, and felt torn between what I wanted to do, and what I hadn't been allowed to do in the last 3 months. As I fought with my own thoughts, I finally decided, I was gonna have to make the move forward. He was so polite, so careful to not do anything offensive, he needed to know it was ok. So I moved forward, and he met me half way.. After that, he was stealing kisses left and right, and I.... was loving it. How gentle he was, so careful.
Then he asked... "How soon can you move in?" We both giggled a little and I wished it could have been that night. I told him that Steve said he had a place to go to that weekend. However he's constantly back and forth. But it doesn't matter. This is the 4th time in 3 months he packed his bags. I'm not playing his games anymore. If he doesn't leave this weekend, then I will kick him out if I gotta. I hope to not have to. I hope he just leaves. But so far, this weekend he should be out."
Martin holds up his fingers, crossed..
For me, at this point.. with 4th of July being on Monday... this weekend seems so far away... How am I gonna get through what is going to seem like forever.... How am I gonna deal with someone who is increasingly treating me like dirt while I know I now have someone who will treat me amazing... ugh, I knew if this got out of control, I could count on Martin stepping in and helping me out with this. But I didn't want this to be some horrible extreme. Although.. if Steve finds out that I'm on my way to a better life, who knows what he will pull, and my daughter lives there too..
Durring this time while Steve is still in my house, I can't let him know. I mean, he broke up with me, hes packing, I've done nothing wrong. But that doesn't mean he won't possibly tear my house up, or do something else wrotten. When he gets mad, he goes out of his way to hurt you. Get you back. And KM and I didn't need that.
I had a week of this, or longer if he proves to be difficult getting out. This is going to suck cause I have no idea how this will end.
To be Continued....
Upon getting to Indian Rock, Martin put the blankets we brought up ontop of his hearse. And he helped me up ontop of it with him. KM joined us, but soon was back down on the ground. Martin and I sat together up on top waiting for the night to begin. We talked all evening and even all through the fire works show as we now layed next to each other just watching all around. Not that talking non stop is anything unusual for us. We tend to talk non stop from the time we met when ever we are together.
I have to admit, I was kinda scared being up there at first. So he kept a hold of me the whole time, of which turned out being really nice. Ofcours now... I'm a little more brave about it all, but never would I have had the courage to try it without him, lol..
After a bit, he had to get back to the house he had been staying the night with, as he lives a bit out of town and would sometimes stay with friends in town for gas reasons. (He worked in town)
However, we both were not ready to call it a night. So he drove us to his friends place where we put a blanket back up on his hearse, climbed back ontop and layed back to look at the stars while KM continued to sit in the car browsing the net... but... looking at the stars was difficult as we noticed just how much tree was hanging over us... although that wasn't the hugest deal as we both knew we weren't climbing back ontop of the hearse for the stars, so much as we were wanting to spend time together, getting closer.
We talked all night long. The whole time knowing Steve would be home stewing. But we didn't care. We just couldn't pull ourselves away from each other. We kept talking about me and KM moving in with him. And about how we have always clicked right from the second we met. As if we had always known each other, reunited.
As we spoke he kept leaning in.
And then.... we kissed... I was really happy about it... but thinking.... "um, I just kissed my best friend... I don't think we are just friends anymore... We just brought this up to an amazing level."
I didn't know what to do. It was like time stopped and I just layed my head down on the black top of his hearse since the blanket had moved around. He layed his head down facing me.. we just layed there for what felt like an eternity, quiet... I wanted to kiss him again so bad. But I felt paralyzed for the moment... waiting to see what his next move was. But I think he was waiting to see what mine would be. Me needing him to be in control since Steve had conditioned me at this point that I couldn't be the one to reach out, or take control, and felt torn between what I wanted to do, and what I hadn't been allowed to do in the last 3 months. As I fought with my own thoughts, I finally decided, I was gonna have to make the move forward. He was so polite, so careful to not do anything offensive, he needed to know it was ok. So I moved forward, and he met me half way.. After that, he was stealing kisses left and right, and I.... was loving it. How gentle he was, so careful.
Then he asked... "How soon can you move in?" We both giggled a little and I wished it could have been that night. I told him that Steve said he had a place to go to that weekend. However he's constantly back and forth. But it doesn't matter. This is the 4th time in 3 months he packed his bags. I'm not playing his games anymore. If he doesn't leave this weekend, then I will kick him out if I gotta. I hope to not have to. I hope he just leaves. But so far, this weekend he should be out."
Martin holds up his fingers, crossed..
For me, at this point.. with 4th of July being on Monday... this weekend seems so far away... How am I gonna get through what is going to seem like forever.... How am I gonna deal with someone who is increasingly treating me like dirt while I know I now have someone who will treat me amazing... ugh, I knew if this got out of control, I could count on Martin stepping in and helping me out with this. But I didn't want this to be some horrible extreme. Although.. if Steve finds out that I'm on my way to a better life, who knows what he will pull, and my daughter lives there too..
Durring this time while Steve is still in my house, I can't let him know. I mean, he broke up with me, hes packing, I've done nothing wrong. But that doesn't mean he won't possibly tear my house up, or do something else wrotten. When he gets mad, he goes out of his way to hurt you. Get you back. And KM and I didn't need that.
I had a week of this, or longer if he proves to be difficult getting out. This is going to suck cause I have no idea how this will end.
To be Continued....
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
#11 Childish Games ((pic))
I didn't really know where I was going to take this blog from here. I didn't even know if I was going to continue it.
Steve pulled a lot of stuff that just wasn't ok. I went through a lot dealing with him, though I tried to look at the bright side of things... It only took 6 months of dating and 3 months of living with me for him to tear me down and simply become a shell of who I really am. I had begun to lose myself. And people around me took notice. Mostly... those who had known me for some time began to miss the person who I really was.
On 4th of July Steve threw a fit because he did not want KM and I to enjoy the city picnic that they hold every year. He didn't care that I must get out and mingle or I deal with heavy depression. All he cared about was he was a hermit, and he cared not at how much the hermit life will hurt me. He only cared that he wanted me to be like him. So I messaged my friend Martin (who I had been going to Thursday night dance in the park with, Steve hated that too, but he was invited first and refused to go) who I've known for quite some time now.. he was my best friend before Steve came along. I don't know how I let Steve convenience me that, that title belonged to him, cause it didn't. Anyway.... I asked Martin to go to the 4th of July picnic with me. And he did.. And later that day... as usual.. Steve freaked out about nothing AGAIN... ruining yet another holiday as usual. He was more and more a cross between my mother, and my soon to be ex. Never allowing us to enjoy any moment in our life. Always making everything all about him.
((Above pic, Martin))
I called Martin yet again..
I asked him if we could spend the 4th with him. And my faithful friend who missed who I used to be, came right away figuring that I must be in trouble. And I was.
Steve was confused that I was not begging him to stay. I no longer wanted him around. KM agreed with me that it was time for him to go. He got in his car and started to back out. But then sat there and waited for me to beg him to stay... of which did not happen. I sat on the porch steps waiting for him to leave. He then went back inside, started packing and going off at me... that's when I texted my friend Martin... and Martin picked KM and I up. Of which made him even more mad. He wanted me to give up 4th of July to talk him into staying. Something I wasn't gonna do, and wasn't gonna give up yet one more holiday for his selfish a$$. As far as I was concerned, he broke up with me, hes packing, I'm NOT gonna talk him into staying, so he's gone. I couldn't wait.
I knew I couldn't keep dealing with him, so I had already talked to Martin a couple months back about moving in with him just for a bit as I couldn't keep up rent where I was at without help. He not only said me and KM could move in, but that we could stay there forever if we wanted. He really didn't mind. And for a struggling single mom, that was music to my ears. Me and him were so much alike... I knew being roommates would work out well..
When Martin picked me up, I told him that Steve is out, hes packing and I will have to move in with him by the months up. He knew Steve had tore me down a lot, and knew I wasn't me anymore. He was happy that in time, the real me would be back with his help.
To be continued...
Steve pulled a lot of stuff that just wasn't ok. I went through a lot dealing with him, though I tried to look at the bright side of things... It only took 6 months of dating and 3 months of living with me for him to tear me down and simply become a shell of who I really am. I had begun to lose myself. And people around me took notice. Mostly... those who had known me for some time began to miss the person who I really was.
On 4th of July Steve threw a fit because he did not want KM and I to enjoy the city picnic that they hold every year. He didn't care that I must get out and mingle or I deal with heavy depression. All he cared about was he was a hermit, and he cared not at how much the hermit life will hurt me. He only cared that he wanted me to be like him. So I messaged my friend Martin (who I had been going to Thursday night dance in the park with, Steve hated that too, but he was invited first and refused to go) who I've known for quite some time now.. he was my best friend before Steve came along. I don't know how I let Steve convenience me that, that title belonged to him, cause it didn't. Anyway.... I asked Martin to go to the 4th of July picnic with me. And he did.. And later that day... as usual.. Steve freaked out about nothing AGAIN... ruining yet another holiday as usual. He was more and more a cross between my mother, and my soon to be ex. Never allowing us to enjoy any moment in our life. Always making everything all about him.
((Above pic, Martin))
I called Martin yet again..
I asked him if we could spend the 4th with him. And my faithful friend who missed who I used to be, came right away figuring that I must be in trouble. And I was.
Steve was confused that I was not begging him to stay. I no longer wanted him around. KM agreed with me that it was time for him to go. He got in his car and started to back out. But then sat there and waited for me to beg him to stay... of which did not happen. I sat on the porch steps waiting for him to leave. He then went back inside, started packing and going off at me... that's when I texted my friend Martin... and Martin picked KM and I up. Of which made him even more mad. He wanted me to give up 4th of July to talk him into staying. Something I wasn't gonna do, and wasn't gonna give up yet one more holiday for his selfish a$$. As far as I was concerned, he broke up with me, hes packing, I'm NOT gonna talk him into staying, so he's gone. I couldn't wait.
I knew I couldn't keep dealing with him, so I had already talked to Martin a couple months back about moving in with him just for a bit as I couldn't keep up rent where I was at without help. He not only said me and KM could move in, but that we could stay there forever if we wanted. He really didn't mind. And for a struggling single mom, that was music to my ears. Me and him were so much alike... I knew being roommates would work out well..
When Martin picked me up, I told him that Steve is out, hes packing and I will have to move in with him by the months up. He knew Steve had tore me down a lot, and knew I wasn't me anymore. He was happy that in time, the real me would be back with his help.
To be continued...
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
#10 Between the courts and the scam.. ugh
So today comes with its new worries...
Yesterday I got a "motion to revoke probation" when I completed everything that I was supposed to.
Okay, let's back up a bit. Last year my mother (I use that term loosely) was off her meds as she bragged to everyone about. And she did everything she could to counter my efforts of leaving Mike (my soon to be ex) in a safe (using that term lightly as well) environment. We got into an argument and she decided to call 911 and claim I hit or pushed her. Ofcours that didn't happen. But the courts don't care about what's true, they care about squeezing money out of anyone they can. She didn't have witnesses, no marks (ofcours) nothing. But I also didn't have witnesses that nothing happened. So ofcours they took her side, cause that's where the city gets their money.
My mother will do anything for attaintion. And her favorite is to appear as though she's abused. That attaintion she craves cost me a job, and good job offer after, $300 dollars, a night in jail, homelessness, expensive counceling I didn't need, stuck living with one of Mikes friends who's house rules was, there were no bubbles. He could be in my bubble as much as he wanted in his home. And he made it clear to Mike that I needed to understand the rules. Between my mother, Mike being an ass and his friend making my life hell, and 2 weeks of trying to commit suicide every night... I finally gave in to his friend.
So now that your caught up..
The city wants to come after me and revoke my probation for not doing the counceling. Of which I did. When I called up the prosecutor and asked about it, she first treated me like I was stupid cause it says why they are coming after me on the papers. Um, ya, that's exactly why I was calling her, cause I DID complete it. Then she got rude with me for saying that I did it. There was no reason for her to act that way. Very unprofessional.
So I called up the counselor that attended and hope that this mess will be taken care of. Maybe it's better he talks to her, cause clearly I'm gonna get no where with this. In the prosecutor's eyes, I'm scum. And she didn't waist a second treating me like it.
And, there's something else...
Another worry I have is the scam that Steve is getting involved with. And it's kinda my fault.
I was looking on Craigslist to see if anyone around town may have put up jobs there, in the help wanted. I came across an ad for a car wrap. A company will pay people a lot of money to let them wrap their car in their ads. I found one of these ads. Bad thing is, there is a lot of scams on this now and it's hard to know who the real deal is. We both wrote into this. I (being my stuborn self) told the lady that I will not take an over payment and I will not give money back, send money anywhere or give the guy that does the wrap any money. They would have to pay him themselves. She never spoke to me again. However, she sent Steve a check of over a thousand dollars, hes supposed to take $500 of it out for himself, and give the guy doing the wrap the rest of the money for his payment when he gets there. Yep, this one is a scam. But Steve wants it to be real, and I get that. I want it to be real too. But its just not. I think he's gonna do it, he isn't listening to me. I told him at least sit on the money for a few weeks. Give the bank time to realize it's a bad check. Then your just out $30 for a bad check and you'll have all that money to give back to them cause you didn't do anything with it yet. I don't know if he will even listen to me on that.. So I'm thinking of talking to the police, and having them possibly meet here when that guy is supposed to be here to collect the money. This is going to end up a bad deal. I just know it.
Hes smart enough to look up the number from the text, the check account, and the company its from.. for his sake, our sake, I hope it's real.. but I know it's not. A real company would pay the guy doing the wrap themselves. They would never have us do it.
Life with Steve... How do I get him to listen to me without freaking out on me? Hes just someone looking for a bit of hope like everyone else in this world does.. but this one will bite him in the ass if he doesn't walk away from it now..
Yesterday I got a "motion to revoke probation" when I completed everything that I was supposed to.
Okay, let's back up a bit. Last year my mother (I use that term loosely) was off her meds as she bragged to everyone about. And she did everything she could to counter my efforts of leaving Mike (my soon to be ex) in a safe (using that term lightly as well) environment. We got into an argument and she decided to call 911 and claim I hit or pushed her. Ofcours that didn't happen. But the courts don't care about what's true, they care about squeezing money out of anyone they can. She didn't have witnesses, no marks (ofcours) nothing. But I also didn't have witnesses that nothing happened. So ofcours they took her side, cause that's where the city gets their money.
My mother will do anything for attaintion. And her favorite is to appear as though she's abused. That attaintion she craves cost me a job, and good job offer after, $300 dollars, a night in jail, homelessness, expensive counceling I didn't need, stuck living with one of Mikes friends who's house rules was, there were no bubbles. He could be in my bubble as much as he wanted in his home. And he made it clear to Mike that I needed to understand the rules. Between my mother, Mike being an ass and his friend making my life hell, and 2 weeks of trying to commit suicide every night... I finally gave in to his friend.
So now that your caught up..
The city wants to come after me and revoke my probation for not doing the counceling. Of which I did. When I called up the prosecutor and asked about it, she first treated me like I was stupid cause it says why they are coming after me on the papers. Um, ya, that's exactly why I was calling her, cause I DID complete it. Then she got rude with me for saying that I did it. There was no reason for her to act that way. Very unprofessional.
So I called up the counselor that attended and hope that this mess will be taken care of. Maybe it's better he talks to her, cause clearly I'm gonna get no where with this. In the prosecutor's eyes, I'm scum. And she didn't waist a second treating me like it.
And, there's something else...
Another worry I have is the scam that Steve is getting involved with. And it's kinda my fault.
I was looking on Craigslist to see if anyone around town may have put up jobs there, in the help wanted. I came across an ad for a car wrap. A company will pay people a lot of money to let them wrap their car in their ads. I found one of these ads. Bad thing is, there is a lot of scams on this now and it's hard to know who the real deal is. We both wrote into this. I (being my stuborn self) told the lady that I will not take an over payment and I will not give money back, send money anywhere or give the guy that does the wrap any money. They would have to pay him themselves. She never spoke to me again. However, she sent Steve a check of over a thousand dollars, hes supposed to take $500 of it out for himself, and give the guy doing the wrap the rest of the money for his payment when he gets there. Yep, this one is a scam. But Steve wants it to be real, and I get that. I want it to be real too. But its just not. I think he's gonna do it, he isn't listening to me. I told him at least sit on the money for a few weeks. Give the bank time to realize it's a bad check. Then your just out $30 for a bad check and you'll have all that money to give back to them cause you didn't do anything with it yet. I don't know if he will even listen to me on that.. So I'm thinking of talking to the police, and having them possibly meet here when that guy is supposed to be here to collect the money. This is going to end up a bad deal. I just know it.
Hes smart enough to look up the number from the text, the check account, and the company its from.. for his sake, our sake, I hope it's real.. but I know it's not. A real company would pay the guy doing the wrap themselves. They would never have us do it.
Life with Steve... How do I get him to listen to me without freaking out on me? Hes just someone looking for a bit of hope like everyone else in this world does.. but this one will bite him in the ass if he doesn't walk away from it now..
Monday, June 20, 2016
#9 this hair (pic)
So, not sure about the hair.. feeling like I gotta cover it up with something else now. The light brown doesn't seem like the right shade. I have black underneath. But it just didn't come out right I think. My friend Frankie thinks it looks fine. I don't know. I told him I'd give it a little time to grow on me. Steve thought I missed the back and KM chimed right in about something she didn't know anything about, claiming that he was right. No, I did get it.. the color before just bled through. I don't think there's anything I can do with it that he will like. Why do I care? I hadn't before with any guy I've ever been with. Never cared what the guy thought at all, it my hair and I gotta wear it!.. I'm crazy for caring now..
But you know, when Steve came home today, he didn't notice that the house was clean.. (I mean.. it's always clean, but it's even more clean) He only noticed that I had filled the walmart trash bag in doing so, and it hadn't been taken out yet. That was kinda a blow in the face. He wanted to go back cause the Walmart bag was full of trash.
I don't get men mentality. I don't get why nothing can just be good enough. I don't understand why he expects me to be perfect. I do know though, as much I want him around.. if he keeps being negative and can't seem to see the great things in life... the things I do for him.. Maybe say thank you that I make sure he doesn't have to do anything when he comes home, it's all clean, dinners started, watch TV, and relax. Instead, I get asked what I've done.. well... Manners would be nice, cause I can't take the fits and criticism with no thank you's and glad to be home.
Wish Steve would get a clue. Hope that he will..
Though it did make me feel good that he stood up for me at Viega. Though everyone is upset about me being let go, and is asking why didn't they just move me? Well i was already looking into moving to first shift as KM needs me home in the evening when she goes back to school. And even asked about another area I was interested in. So that option was already there.
Apparently I am a secret. They don't wanna talk about what happened. So whatever the big secret is, clearly its something your not supposed to fire for... or why not tell? Steve told them he doesn't wanna be there. It's only money that keeps him there for now. People liking you and doing a good job does not cement your job with them. I am proof of that. Makes a person want to get out on their own terms. And I get that. What ever Steve does is of his own mind and his own decision. I have nothing to do with it. But it is nice to know, he does stick up for me. He does care. He doesn't want to stand by while I get kicked. Basically, like me... he has a fire in his ass.. lol, and I gotta love that.
So In all.... ya, he's a jerk for not noticing what he should if he's gonna criticize the small things. But he's my most important supporter when the cards are down. I just wanna hug him and thunk him all at the same time. My Steve....
Life with Steve isn't what people would think... But I'm still head over heals if he will just take a good look at what he's got. I'm head over heals with a man that stands taller for me then any man ever has... My Steve.
But you know, when Steve came home today, he didn't notice that the house was clean.. (I mean.. it's always clean, but it's even more clean) He only noticed that I had filled the walmart trash bag in doing so, and it hadn't been taken out yet. That was kinda a blow in the face. He wanted to go back cause the Walmart bag was full of trash.
I don't get men mentality. I don't get why nothing can just be good enough. I don't understand why he expects me to be perfect. I do know though, as much I want him around.. if he keeps being negative and can't seem to see the great things in life... the things I do for him.. Maybe say thank you that I make sure he doesn't have to do anything when he comes home, it's all clean, dinners started, watch TV, and relax. Instead, I get asked what I've done.. well... Manners would be nice, cause I can't take the fits and criticism with no thank you's and glad to be home.
Wish Steve would get a clue. Hope that he will..
Though it did make me feel good that he stood up for me at Viega. Though everyone is upset about me being let go, and is asking why didn't they just move me? Well i was already looking into moving to first shift as KM needs me home in the evening when she goes back to school. And even asked about another area I was interested in. So that option was already there.
Apparently I am a secret. They don't wanna talk about what happened. So whatever the big secret is, clearly its something your not supposed to fire for... or why not tell? Steve told them he doesn't wanna be there. It's only money that keeps him there for now. People liking you and doing a good job does not cement your job with them. I am proof of that. Makes a person want to get out on their own terms. And I get that. What ever Steve does is of his own mind and his own decision. I have nothing to do with it. But it is nice to know, he does stick up for me. He does care. He doesn't want to stand by while I get kicked. Basically, like me... he has a fire in his ass.. lol, and I gotta love that.
So In all.... ya, he's a jerk for not noticing what he should if he's gonna criticize the small things. But he's my most important supporter when the cards are down. I just wanna hug him and thunk him all at the same time. My Steve....
Life with Steve isn't what people would think... But I'm still head over heals if he will just take a good look at what he's got. I'm head over heals with a man that stands taller for me then any man ever has... My Steve.
#8 Today
My thoughts I keep going over for today..
This morning when Steve woke me for our time together.. As we hugged and kissed and held onto each other.. I couldn't help but wonder if we were gonna be ok. It made me sad really. Knowing that I will still be home when he gets here, made it different some how. I'm not sure how to go about this really. We both agreed that with us working opposite shifts, it threw us in a life style that happens after a couple has been together for long time. We only saw each other on weekends and for our morning talks. All our money going into just barely making it. High stresses that new relationships just don't survive in. It takes a lot for people to get through all that. So, if I can find something in day work, it would help us a lot to be home together everyday. Steve mentioned how nice that would be.
So today, I will be dying my hair, and making myself new job presentable, so that I will be able to get something great, something worth having, and hopefully will get offered a day shift job. Maybe paying less in gas, and not having Stella hearse being run into the ground will make it easier to pay bills. And maybe getting a job close enough to walk to will help with KM.
I don't know.. today is a bit sad, and a little scary. I don't know what's going to happen, or what Steve is thinking. I don't know if everything is going to be okay. I just don't know. But what I do know is... I have a daughter turning 12 tomorrow that is counting on me to make it for us. And I have Steve who is watching and hoping I can pull my end together. So no matter what happens, I gotta put my foot out there and do the best I can. It's all or nothing, just the kind of girl I pride myself to be. Do what makes us come together, and hope it works out. Even though KM and I consider him family, I know he does not feel the same way about us. So not having that security makes this even harder.
Life with Steve.. Crossing fingers, holding breath, hoping for the best..
This morning when Steve woke me for our time together.. As we hugged and kissed and held onto each other.. I couldn't help but wonder if we were gonna be ok. It made me sad really. Knowing that I will still be home when he gets here, made it different some how. I'm not sure how to go about this really. We both agreed that with us working opposite shifts, it threw us in a life style that happens after a couple has been together for long time. We only saw each other on weekends and for our morning talks. All our money going into just barely making it. High stresses that new relationships just don't survive in. It takes a lot for people to get through all that. So, if I can find something in day work, it would help us a lot to be home together everyday. Steve mentioned how nice that would be.
So today, I will be dying my hair, and making myself new job presentable, so that I will be able to get something great, something worth having, and hopefully will get offered a day shift job. Maybe paying less in gas, and not having Stella hearse being run into the ground will make it easier to pay bills. And maybe getting a job close enough to walk to will help with KM.
I don't know.. today is a bit sad, and a little scary. I don't know what's going to happen, or what Steve is thinking. I don't know if everything is going to be okay. I just don't know. But what I do know is... I have a daughter turning 12 tomorrow that is counting on me to make it for us. And I have Steve who is watching and hoping I can pull my end together. So no matter what happens, I gotta put my foot out there and do the best I can. It's all or nothing, just the kind of girl I pride myself to be. Do what makes us come together, and hope it works out. Even though KM and I consider him family, I know he does not feel the same way about us. So not having that security makes this even harder.
Life with Steve.. Crossing fingers, holding breath, hoping for the best..
#7 The Talk??
So, Thursday we were supposed to have a talk. Steve took Thursday and Friday off with vacation days so that we could have this time. Since we work opposite shifts, we really only see each other on weekends. And we needed to talk before KM got home from camp Saturday.
My stomach was turning Wednesday night at work and I was just sad because I knew I was going to have to make a stand that he was going to have to date me all the time, or none if the time... not just when its convenient. Not just when no one is around or infront of only certain people. And he needs to know he won't cheat on me. Cause if he can sit there and tell me he don't know if he would, then don't get upset that I don't trust you.
I also knew that there was a chance that he may very well make his stand that he is "scared of me" and can't bring himself to date me. Well, if I'm that damn scary...... you know..
I was hoping for the best, but knew the percentage was much higher for the worst. And therefore was planning for that so that I wouldn't be caught off guard and would be ok either way.
Thursday morning came... I was finding it hard to even get out of bed. I didn't want this to end between us. I didn't want the snuggling at night to go away, or the way we fall asleep holding hands.. our early morning talks before he goes to work... I wanted to keep that. But I also knew I had to do what's right for me. I deserve to not have people think I have a guy living with me, in my room, in my bed.. with "sexual relations" and not be dating. Worse.... and have people think I'm chasing after him, someone I can't get and lying about dating him. I don't deserve to be made out that way at all... Someone I'm just not. Even though I don't care what people think... I do care when someone I'm with is putting me out there badly, instead of protecting who I really am. As I would do for him.
So as I am trying to get myself to wake up.. Steve keeps trying to get me to lay back down. Sleep more so I'm good for work he says. And that made it even harder to get up as he is busily running around the house to get things done. I do finally start to sit up, still dreading the talk, when my phone rings. It's my boss at the temp agency I work for. And.. I knew. I don't know how I knew, but I usually know these things. I knew that the company I had tried to get on with wasn't going to hire me. I've known this for a while now. And they let me go that day. The day of our talk. Luckily the temp agency I work for has more respect for hard working employees then this company did. The temp agency told me to file unemployment right away. He has no problem paying it for me since I had been with him for quite a while.
Well... that takes care of our talk. Steve didn't know if he was going to figure himself out without me, or if we were in this together. And because of that I was upset. Don't tell me to wait till you decide what to do. I have a child to think of. And even though I already know what I'm doing if it's just me and KM... I dont know what we are doing if we are all together and have to figure it out. So I need him to help with that. Although he was angry and said he was quiting, I told him he wasn't. As if I have any say on what he will do. And it felt good that he would stand that strong with me. But he needed to think about that. That's his job. At least look for another first. For me, I survived without Viega before I was there, I'll servive without them after I'm there. Maybe now find a job that allows me to move forward, instead of settle, and would not be affraid to approach me, causing me to lose respect for them.
It took about an hour, and he began talking about how we can make it, and keep the house we are in. My friend Martin, who is an amazing friend of mine, had offered his place for me and KM to stay as long as we like if Steve were to decide to take off all of a sudden, leaving us with no where to go. Now with this situation, he offered again, a place for all 3 of us (myself, KM, and Steve) to stay at his place for as long as we like. He made it clear that his house bills are quite cheap. We would actually have a lot of money left over if we were to stay with him.
"You would be surprised how much money you have if you move in"
It sounds like an opportunity to me to get a head, get my Stella hearse worked on, get Martin's Morticia hearse cleaned out, and maybe have something for ourselves upon moving out. Maybe our own business, maybe get a house, who knows..
But Steve, who was stuck living with other people for the last 7years finds it super hard to be going back to living in someone else's house again. He enjoys having his own place that's his own and wants to fight for it.. Steve has also made it clear that if we have to move in with Martin, it will kill his job. There is no way he will drive that distance. He will end up looking for another job if that's the path we have to take in the end.
So we are here in the house. Our house. We will see if we can do it. Without giving up cable (Steve won't give it up), and finding a refrigerator and washer and dryer to replace what we have to knock down Easy Home payments I was left with by my soon to be ex and my son.... I just hope it's possible.
So no talk, it never happened. Less income (unemployment only gives half of what you make) and apparently we are staying together. I still wonder about the girls he talks to. I don't completely trust him. But we had a good 4day weekend in getting both cars washed, the house washed on the outside and pulled pranks on each other.
My stress has come down a lot since being let go from my assignment. I no longer stress about Christmas and going half a month without pay. I no longer stress about checks being short Everytime they take a day off for the plant when I shouldn't have to go without pay and my check becomes short. I don't feel held back and helpless about it anymore. And I don't feel threatened if I try to go higher about it. I.e. being told by your Viega boss that if you make him look bad, he will make you look bad. After losing respect for this company because they would go to Steve about me, instead of having the courage to go to me about me... Ya, I started posting things on fb. It became apparent that was the only way to tell them how I felt. I needed someone to hear me. Talk to me and listen to me. Well, this company doesn't care about solving problems or at least trying, and the stress that all caused I can gladly say is all over. I needed one thing in my life to be secure. With my daughter acting out, Steve not being willing to have a normal relationship (the only thing in my life I expect to be normal) and my job holding me back... I was ready to explode or give up.. one of the two.
So onto the next chapter, and in hopes that this all works out..
Life with Steve... holding on for dear life...
My stomach was turning Wednesday night at work and I was just sad because I knew I was going to have to make a stand that he was going to have to date me all the time, or none if the time... not just when its convenient. Not just when no one is around or infront of only certain people. And he needs to know he won't cheat on me. Cause if he can sit there and tell me he don't know if he would, then don't get upset that I don't trust you.
I also knew that there was a chance that he may very well make his stand that he is "scared of me" and can't bring himself to date me. Well, if I'm that damn scary...... you know..
I was hoping for the best, but knew the percentage was much higher for the worst. And therefore was planning for that so that I wouldn't be caught off guard and would be ok either way.
Thursday morning came... I was finding it hard to even get out of bed. I didn't want this to end between us. I didn't want the snuggling at night to go away, or the way we fall asleep holding hands.. our early morning talks before he goes to work... I wanted to keep that. But I also knew I had to do what's right for me. I deserve to not have people think I have a guy living with me, in my room, in my bed.. with "sexual relations" and not be dating. Worse.... and have people think I'm chasing after him, someone I can't get and lying about dating him. I don't deserve to be made out that way at all... Someone I'm just not. Even though I don't care what people think... I do care when someone I'm with is putting me out there badly, instead of protecting who I really am. As I would do for him.
So as I am trying to get myself to wake up.. Steve keeps trying to get me to lay back down. Sleep more so I'm good for work he says. And that made it even harder to get up as he is busily running around the house to get things done. I do finally start to sit up, still dreading the talk, when my phone rings. It's my boss at the temp agency I work for. And.. I knew. I don't know how I knew, but I usually know these things. I knew that the company I had tried to get on with wasn't going to hire me. I've known this for a while now. And they let me go that day. The day of our talk. Luckily the temp agency I work for has more respect for hard working employees then this company did. The temp agency told me to file unemployment right away. He has no problem paying it for me since I had been with him for quite a while.
Well... that takes care of our talk. Steve didn't know if he was going to figure himself out without me, or if we were in this together. And because of that I was upset. Don't tell me to wait till you decide what to do. I have a child to think of. And even though I already know what I'm doing if it's just me and KM... I dont know what we are doing if we are all together and have to figure it out. So I need him to help with that. Although he was angry and said he was quiting, I told him he wasn't. As if I have any say on what he will do. And it felt good that he would stand that strong with me. But he needed to think about that. That's his job. At least look for another first. For me, I survived without Viega before I was there, I'll servive without them after I'm there. Maybe now find a job that allows me to move forward, instead of settle, and would not be affraid to approach me, causing me to lose respect for them.
It took about an hour, and he began talking about how we can make it, and keep the house we are in. My friend Martin, who is an amazing friend of mine, had offered his place for me and KM to stay as long as we like if Steve were to decide to take off all of a sudden, leaving us with no where to go. Now with this situation, he offered again, a place for all 3 of us (myself, KM, and Steve) to stay at his place for as long as we like. He made it clear that his house bills are quite cheap. We would actually have a lot of money left over if we were to stay with him.
"You would be surprised how much money you have if you move in"
It sounds like an opportunity to me to get a head, get my Stella hearse worked on, get Martin's Morticia hearse cleaned out, and maybe have something for ourselves upon moving out. Maybe our own business, maybe get a house, who knows..
But Steve, who was stuck living with other people for the last 7years finds it super hard to be going back to living in someone else's house again. He enjoys having his own place that's his own and wants to fight for it.. Steve has also made it clear that if we have to move in with Martin, it will kill his job. There is no way he will drive that distance. He will end up looking for another job if that's the path we have to take in the end.
So we are here in the house. Our house. We will see if we can do it. Without giving up cable (Steve won't give it up), and finding a refrigerator and washer and dryer to replace what we have to knock down Easy Home payments I was left with by my soon to be ex and my son.... I just hope it's possible.
So no talk, it never happened. Less income (unemployment only gives half of what you make) and apparently we are staying together. I still wonder about the girls he talks to. I don't completely trust him. But we had a good 4day weekend in getting both cars washed, the house washed on the outside and pulled pranks on each other.
My stress has come down a lot since being let go from my assignment. I no longer stress about Christmas and going half a month without pay. I no longer stress about checks being short Everytime they take a day off for the plant when I shouldn't have to go without pay and my check becomes short. I don't feel held back and helpless about it anymore. And I don't feel threatened if I try to go higher about it. I.e. being told by your Viega boss that if you make him look bad, he will make you look bad. After losing respect for this company because they would go to Steve about me, instead of having the courage to go to me about me... Ya, I started posting things on fb. It became apparent that was the only way to tell them how I felt. I needed someone to hear me. Talk to me and listen to me. Well, this company doesn't care about solving problems or at least trying, and the stress that all caused I can gladly say is all over. I needed one thing in my life to be secure. With my daughter acting out, Steve not being willing to have a normal relationship (the only thing in my life I expect to be normal) and my job holding me back... I was ready to explode or give up.. one of the two.
So onto the next chapter, and in hopes that this all works out..
Life with Steve... holding on for dear life...
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
#6 we are dating?
So this last weekend, out of boredom, I decide to update my FB status from single to dating Steve. Of which, now, appeantly FB doesn't ask if you want it announced anymore, it just posts it.. AND it doesn't wait till the next person excepts it anymore either.. It posts on both your pages right away. I didn't know that.. Not that I mind that it does that. So I was like, ok..
Steve however had a cow. He told everyone that we were not dating. Sent me a msg that he didn't know what we were. Well that opened a whole new can of worms. I had been wondering if he had been hitting on a certain person, and now... I was thinking probably so. I also know he doesn't mind having distant relationships on line because he feels that if they never meet, then that's ok. Well, it's not ok.
This is how that conversation went....
Steve however had a cow. He told everyone that we were not dating. Sent me a msg that he didn't know what we were. Well that opened a whole new can of worms. I had been wondering if he had been hitting on a certain person, and now... I was thinking probably so. I also know he doesn't mind having distant relationships on line because he feels that if they never meet, then that's ok. Well, it's not ok.
This is how that conversation went....
So ya, there it is. The good thing about instant Msgr and text is.... you can tell a whole conversation without it being he said she said. I care about him a lot... I do.. but the made up stories he tells himself about how I supposedly run his life and crap... That's him always needing to appear to be abused, that's how he gets his way.. and he certainly doesn't want people to think he has it better. He does what he wants when he wants.. He leads my home, and I try to live up to his standards. But he has proven to not be someone I can depend on cause he's ready to leave at any moments notice over the smallest things. I hope we find a way to get along. I hope he can start admitting we are dating all the time, not just when its convenient. He is really jealous of me talking to any guy over nothing, for someone who claims we are not dating.
Life with Steve... sometimes I just wanna love em... sometimes I just wanna kill em...
Friday, June 10, 2016
#4 Waking up with Steve
Waking up with Steve is a whole experience on its own, and different every day, lol...
Even though I get home late, (by my choice, he wakes me) every morning he gets me up between 5am and 5:30.. basicly, when ever he gets completely ready for work, he wakes me up. I cherish those moments alone with him when no one listens in on what we say. Our private moment to connect and talk about yesterday, what we are thinking about today, bills to pay, and anything else at all.. That's my moment with him.
By the way, did I mention that waking up to him is a different experience everyday??? Lol, it is definitely an adventure!
This morning he decides to lick my ear and nose... and then is all over my face.. lol!! For some reason, I was really having a hard time waking up this morning... So it kept going on again and again after I would dose back off.. oh my, I became a slobbery mess, lol. But I kept getting extra kisses this morning too.. He is a good kisser, so ofcours I love that.
Life with Steve... Its a wet one today :)
Even though I get home late, (by my choice, he wakes me) every morning he gets me up between 5am and 5:30.. basicly, when ever he gets completely ready for work, he wakes me up. I cherish those moments alone with him when no one listens in on what we say. Our private moment to connect and talk about yesterday, what we are thinking about today, bills to pay, and anything else at all.. That's my moment with him.
By the way, did I mention that waking up to him is a different experience everyday??? Lol, it is definitely an adventure!
This morning he decides to lick my ear and nose... and then is all over my face.. lol!! For some reason, I was really having a hard time waking up this morning... So it kept going on again and again after I would dose back off.. oh my, I became a slobbery mess, lol. But I kept getting extra kisses this morning too.. He is a good kisser, so ofcours I love that.
Life with Steve... Its a wet one today :)
#3 That Window
Yesterday, Kierstyn was with me while doing errons. She asked if she could stay in the car and wait for me while I went in and filed for lost titles. I told her that it was going to get hot if she stayed out.. But she didn't care. So I let her wait. However, when I came back out, she was messing with the window. She tried to roll it down while the door was standing open anyway. Since I've had the car, the windows don't come down. Steve and I just got it to where it finally sits right, not even a week ago.
Im sure she didn't mean to do anything wrong, maybe she forgot it won't come down right.. For me, maybe it's just the build up of all the stuff she has been doing.. but I kinda went off about it. I feel bad about it now... So will have to talk to her today.
When I went into work yesterday, I caught Steve on his last break. Told him what happened. When he got off work, before leaving the property, he went to my car and fixed the window... Talk about making my day.. it's funny how things like that makes such a huge difference in how your day goes. I just kept thanking him over text, lol..
When he came home, he mowed and did yard work. Yard work seems to be a big deal to him. I told him how awesome it is that he did it...
but in the back of my mind, I kinda wonderd when its going to bite me in the butt. Here lately, it doesn't take long before he acts like I slave drive him. But it was his choice to do it on a week day. I really am thankful he takes care of such jobs though.
He was really happy to see that KM did her chores and then some before taking off to play with friends, usually it's beyond pulling teeth to get her to do anything.. even to go be a kid. I was ecstatic to hear it!! I hope he understands that she will still mess up some, even though she's moving forward. She is human after all.. 2 steps forward , 1 step back. Either way, was nice to know that everyone is getting along...
For now....
Oh please, please everyone get along ....
Im sure she didn't mean to do anything wrong, maybe she forgot it won't come down right.. For me, maybe it's just the build up of all the stuff she has been doing.. but I kinda went off about it. I feel bad about it now... So will have to talk to her today.
When I went into work yesterday, I caught Steve on his last break. Told him what happened. When he got off work, before leaving the property, he went to my car and fixed the window... Talk about making my day.. it's funny how things like that makes such a huge difference in how your day goes. I just kept thanking him over text, lol..
When he came home, he mowed and did yard work. Yard work seems to be a big deal to him. I told him how awesome it is that he did it...
but in the back of my mind, I kinda wonderd when its going to bite me in the butt. Here lately, it doesn't take long before he acts like I slave drive him. But it was his choice to do it on a week day. I really am thankful he takes care of such jobs though.
He was really happy to see that KM did her chores and then some before taking off to play with friends, usually it's beyond pulling teeth to get her to do anything.. even to go be a kid. I was ecstatic to hear it!! I hope he understands that she will still mess up some, even though she's moving forward. She is human after all.. 2 steps forward , 1 step back. Either way, was nice to know that everyone is getting along...
For now....
Oh please, please everyone get along ....
Thursday, June 9, 2016
#2 that damn door knob!! (Pic)
In addition to locking our room up, and treating our room as a safe.. We have also locked up the basement. It had an old doorknob on it that used a skeleton key to lock and unlock it. We were surprised to find that key still with the house as old as it is. And it still worked.
However, when Steve got home, apparently KM (Kierstyn) decided to try and get the whole door knob off to get in the basement. It was just hanging when Steve got to it. So he took it off.. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, it's a rental property too!!
Why!!!!! Why can't she just stop??? It's wearing on Steve, and wearing on me too...
Many times I wonder how does a fairly new relationship servive these things, when many marriages don't even survive them. I don't know.. I hope we are stronger then the struggles of dealing with her...
#1 introduction/ the good &bad
Sharing a home with Steve had been an extreme experience on both sides of the scale. Really nothing sits in the middle at all.
I love having him here because it's nice having someone actually be nice to me. I love his soft voice and he says the things that would melt most girls hearts. I care about him a lot. And having someone that actually helps with the bills and house upkeep is very new to me.
He does the silliest things out of the blue that just makes you shake your head and giggle. We have plenty of those moments for sure..
However, on the flip side.. he can say the meanest things that are not true if he gets mad. And the things he will get mad about are tiny things. Or things that are normal in anyone's lives. Like one time he packed his things and left because I was trying to find help for a rather large water bill we (I) have due to 2 pipes bursting. Every time he packs in a huff, leaving me... over nothing... I grow more and more insecure with our relationship, and now that I have a back up plan for when he wants to pack and go.. I will no longer be an emotional mess over it, my head racing, and trying to figure out what to do as I depend on him for his half the rent. But now... I can move on just fine without him if I need to. And that's a relief. Definitely gave me some control back to my life.
He flips things around on me, that are his issues, not mine. I have no idea where he gets these things. He will tell me that I need to get a new sugar daddy, and claim that I only have him cause I want someone to take care of me. In actuality, I pay my half the rent and I pay ALL the bills to the house... Water/trash/electric/gas/renting appliances... I also help pay for food. And here lately, I don't even get sex. So I don't know how this adds up to him being a sugar daddy. I think I'm the sugar momma if it's gonna be one way or the other. Honestly, the reason it hurts either way... is because I thought we were working together, to take care of each other... to survive and make it together. When he makes comments about all he does is sink money into this house.. I can't help but think, no... you sink all your money into your credit card debt.. and that's not my fault. As far as you only having to pay half rent and help with food... welcome to life, you gotta pay your way some where, some how.. I'm not fully supporting yet another man. I'm not doin it. It's a real punch in the face when he acts like I must have money set aside... he knows how much I make, and that every cent goes to bills. I mean, how does he think they get paid?? I certainly don't have little bill fairies running around taking care of them for me..
When he tells me that he can't promise that he won't cheat. And I catch him flirting with people on the net.. He feels that isn't enough to make me insecure and if I question him, he immediately accuses me of cheating.. so ofcours that makes me think even more that he is.
However, now that I have a back up plan, as a very good friend of mine is wanting me to stay with them if Steve doesn't stick around.. it's made me relax more. If I catch him.. he will be instantly out. I don't need that. Let the next person deal with his fits of leaving and abandoning and claiming to be a sugar daddy while most the bills are not paid by him. You can only pull the same crap with so many people before you start getting figured out.
Steve has OCD. So everything is spotless all the time. I have worked hard to be up to his standards. But he knows there are certain things I just can't get to on the weekdays. So he takes care of them for me before the weekends. Just like I do all the bill paying and running around needed on the weekdays, cause it can't be done on the weekends. Not a problem. Except that now everything he does to help out.. apparently makes him abused as someone who has to do everything. Instead of us being a team and working together. I can't do it all. I pay most the bills, do ALL the running around, do my kids things, and get some house chores done too.. That right there, seems like a lot to me.. I always tell him thank you, and good job on things hes done. I don't know what more he wants.
The fact that we work in the same place has been stressful. I don't know what may have been said about me there... as he puts off a "im mistreated and need to be protected" outlook.. And I've wondered if he pulls this at work behind my back. I hope not. but as people (girls) want him to move out of my place, and to move in with them.. and some won't talk to me, while others glare at me... I can't help but wonder. They don't know him, or what he pulls. So I'm sure I'm a monster in some eyes, while I do what I can to care for him. You don't truly know people till you live with them. So with that said... he can cause some real issues at my job. And I need that job to take care of my daughter. I'm looking into hopefully getting moved to another building to hopefully eliminate the drama, amongst other reasons as well.. hes definitely about the drama, then blames me for it..
I wish he was nicer to my dogs. They are dogs. They act like dogs. And even though Ocean is driving me crazy with how she wants to get into things now when she hadn't before... they are dogs. He doesn't have to yell at them. Be stern with their stubborn asses maybe.. but don't yell at them. And he does that a lot over things that it's just not needed. He doesn't seem to be trying to be rough... He likes animals. He just doesn't seem to be the most understanding to them. He would have better communication with them if he did.
My daughter, Kierstyn, makes it hard for him to deal with things. She's an extreme difficult person to deal with. She makes living together way more stressful then it ever should be. She makes life very negative to deal with and she doesn't appreciate anything done for her. To the point that you don't wanna do anything for her. She sucks the fun out of everything in most situations. I love her.. but realistically, dating while she is in my house..... I knew better then to even try.. This right here... has put a lot of stress on my relationship with Steve.
So why do I do this? I don't know.. i asked myself that. Usually the answer was, I need help paying the bills, and I don't have extra room for a roommate that would need their own room. And I loved him for a while.. now... hes here cause i choose to have him here. Hopefully one day he will gain my trust again to love him again. I guess I have a hope that he will grow up and stop running away at every dumb thing. Then he says I'm wussy? I need to toughen up? I stay and deal. I'm not the one running. I also hope that he will realize we all are victim of our bills and trying to make it. I keep hoping he will realize how good he really has it here. Dispite my daughter's fits. There arnt very many people out there that will take on most bills, and appreciate what he brings, and give him the lead to lead the household with fair say in everything while he accuses her of thinking it's all about her (Me). So I do hope one day he looks back and thinks damn, I got it good... and stops leaving at every whim.
I do want him in my life.... I really really want him. We will see if he will stay now that I will never beg him to stay again. He has to stay on his own choice. Sometimes i feel like surely we will spend our life together... and sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for him to freak out again.. telling me that I'm the one thats crazy. Well... maybe I am... Look at what I put up with. Hes lucky I am..
Keep in mind that this is an introductory of the good and bad. We have a lot of amazing days.. Days that I just wanna hold onto him forever.. a lot of amazing weeks.. a lot of amazing moments.. a lot of him being the little amazing him...
Now let's see if our relationship can be amazing too...
Because sometimes it's hard to deny that I love him. Our talks every morning before he goes to work, and every night when I race home from work so he can wrap his legs around mine and pull me close. When he reaches over and strokes my hair and we go to sleep holding hands.. those are the most Amazing moments of my everyday.. The moments that I live for. His gental voice telling me to go to sleep, or the crazy things he does to wake me in the mornings.. ya... these are the moments I want to last forever..
He wants to keep us safe. Our things safe. And is willing to do what it takes to do that. He looks out for us and that's something I have never had before..
I love having him here because it's nice having someone actually be nice to me. I love his soft voice and he says the things that would melt most girls hearts. I care about him a lot. And having someone that actually helps with the bills and house upkeep is very new to me.
He does the silliest things out of the blue that just makes you shake your head and giggle. We have plenty of those moments for sure..
However, on the flip side.. he can say the meanest things that are not true if he gets mad. And the things he will get mad about are tiny things. Or things that are normal in anyone's lives. Like one time he packed his things and left because I was trying to find help for a rather large water bill we (I) have due to 2 pipes bursting. Every time he packs in a huff, leaving me... over nothing... I grow more and more insecure with our relationship, and now that I have a back up plan for when he wants to pack and go.. I will no longer be an emotional mess over it, my head racing, and trying to figure out what to do as I depend on him for his half the rent. But now... I can move on just fine without him if I need to. And that's a relief. Definitely gave me some control back to my life.
He flips things around on me, that are his issues, not mine. I have no idea where he gets these things. He will tell me that I need to get a new sugar daddy, and claim that I only have him cause I want someone to take care of me. In actuality, I pay my half the rent and I pay ALL the bills to the house... Water/trash/electric/gas/renting appliances... I also help pay for food. And here lately, I don't even get sex. So I don't know how this adds up to him being a sugar daddy. I think I'm the sugar momma if it's gonna be one way or the other. Honestly, the reason it hurts either way... is because I thought we were working together, to take care of each other... to survive and make it together. When he makes comments about all he does is sink money into this house.. I can't help but think, no... you sink all your money into your credit card debt.. and that's not my fault. As far as you only having to pay half rent and help with food... welcome to life, you gotta pay your way some where, some how.. I'm not fully supporting yet another man. I'm not doin it. It's a real punch in the face when he acts like I must have money set aside... he knows how much I make, and that every cent goes to bills. I mean, how does he think they get paid?? I certainly don't have little bill fairies running around taking care of them for me..
When he tells me that he can't promise that he won't cheat. And I catch him flirting with people on the net.. He feels that isn't enough to make me insecure and if I question him, he immediately accuses me of cheating.. so ofcours that makes me think even more that he is.
However, now that I have a back up plan, as a very good friend of mine is wanting me to stay with them if Steve doesn't stick around.. it's made me relax more. If I catch him.. he will be instantly out. I don't need that. Let the next person deal with his fits of leaving and abandoning and claiming to be a sugar daddy while most the bills are not paid by him. You can only pull the same crap with so many people before you start getting figured out.
Steve has OCD. So everything is spotless all the time. I have worked hard to be up to his standards. But he knows there are certain things I just can't get to on the weekdays. So he takes care of them for me before the weekends. Just like I do all the bill paying and running around needed on the weekdays, cause it can't be done on the weekends. Not a problem. Except that now everything he does to help out.. apparently makes him abused as someone who has to do everything. Instead of us being a team and working together. I can't do it all. I pay most the bills, do ALL the running around, do my kids things, and get some house chores done too.. That right there, seems like a lot to me.. I always tell him thank you, and good job on things hes done. I don't know what more he wants.
The fact that we work in the same place has been stressful. I don't know what may have been said about me there... as he puts off a "im mistreated and need to be protected" outlook.. And I've wondered if he pulls this at work behind my back. I hope not. but as people (girls) want him to move out of my place, and to move in with them.. and some won't talk to me, while others glare at me... I can't help but wonder. They don't know him, or what he pulls. So I'm sure I'm a monster in some eyes, while I do what I can to care for him. You don't truly know people till you live with them. So with that said... he can cause some real issues at my job. And I need that job to take care of my daughter. I'm looking into hopefully getting moved to another building to hopefully eliminate the drama, amongst other reasons as well.. hes definitely about the drama, then blames me for it..
I wish he was nicer to my dogs. They are dogs. They act like dogs. And even though Ocean is driving me crazy with how she wants to get into things now when she hadn't before... they are dogs. He doesn't have to yell at them. Be stern with their stubborn asses maybe.. but don't yell at them. And he does that a lot over things that it's just not needed. He doesn't seem to be trying to be rough... He likes animals. He just doesn't seem to be the most understanding to them. He would have better communication with them if he did.
My daughter, Kierstyn, makes it hard for him to deal with things. She's an extreme difficult person to deal with. She makes living together way more stressful then it ever should be. She makes life very negative to deal with and she doesn't appreciate anything done for her. To the point that you don't wanna do anything for her. She sucks the fun out of everything in most situations. I love her.. but realistically, dating while she is in my house..... I knew better then to even try.. This right here... has put a lot of stress on my relationship with Steve.
So why do I do this? I don't know.. i asked myself that. Usually the answer was, I need help paying the bills, and I don't have extra room for a roommate that would need their own room. And I loved him for a while.. now... hes here cause i choose to have him here. Hopefully one day he will gain my trust again to love him again. I guess I have a hope that he will grow up and stop running away at every dumb thing. Then he says I'm wussy? I need to toughen up? I stay and deal. I'm not the one running. I also hope that he will realize we all are victim of our bills and trying to make it. I keep hoping he will realize how good he really has it here. Dispite my daughter's fits. There arnt very many people out there that will take on most bills, and appreciate what he brings, and give him the lead to lead the household with fair say in everything while he accuses her of thinking it's all about her (Me). So I do hope one day he looks back and thinks damn, I got it good... and stops leaving at every whim.
I do want him in my life.... I really really want him. We will see if he will stay now that I will never beg him to stay again. He has to stay on his own choice. Sometimes i feel like surely we will spend our life together... and sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for him to freak out again.. telling me that I'm the one thats crazy. Well... maybe I am... Look at what I put up with. Hes lucky I am..
Keep in mind that this is an introductory of the good and bad. We have a lot of amazing days.. Days that I just wanna hold onto him forever.. a lot of amazing weeks.. a lot of amazing moments.. a lot of him being the little amazing him...
Now let's see if our relationship can be amazing too...
Because sometimes it's hard to deny that I love him. Our talks every morning before he goes to work, and every night when I race home from work so he can wrap his legs around mine and pull me close. When he reaches over and strokes my hair and we go to sleep holding hands.. those are the most Amazing moments of my everyday.. The moments that I live for. His gental voice telling me to go to sleep, or the crazy things he does to wake me in the mornings.. ya... these are the moments I want to last forever..
He wants to keep us safe. Our things safe. And is willing to do what it takes to do that. He looks out for us and that's something I have never had before..
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