#19 Emotions need to catch up

One of the hardest parts for me in this relationship is that I have myself so convinced that no one could ever love me. My own family couldn't even love me or eccept me, anyone who ever said they did love me was a lie.. that is... except for my girls. But thats different.
So without meaning to, I secretly question Martin. My brain knows he does in fact love me, while my emotions think it can't be real. But my emotions are wrong and are trying to protect me, and I wish they would jump on board. I kept thinking they would if I just give it time... And I still do. I'm just becoming quite impatient with myself.

I know I love him. I can't even imagine my life without him. Even though we havn't been together for long, it feels like its been forever. Like we have always known each other through life times and finally found each other again. Its a strong and deep bond that I don't know how to really explain. Martin and I call it the click. As soon as we saw each other, there was a click. It was instant and we right away had to be around each other, talk constant  (of which I found out later that he didn't normally talk to women) and we couldn't let the other go. We recognized each other, we finally found each other. I just don't know what else to say about that. Martin and I have spoken about this a lot. We agree with each other on this, but we just can't put our finger firmly on it. When we finally started to date a year later.... Our souls just seem to cling together, and won't let go.
And that makes it extra frustrating that my emotions are very on board in the fact that I love him with every bit of spark in my soul... but my emotions are so busy questioning his love. Though my soul and brain knows he loves me very much.

I don't know how Steve caused so much damage in the short time that I dated him... but because he was ready to bail over issues he would make up in his head... and it doesn't matter if everyone was having a good time or not, he would instantly decide he was leaving and make it all about him.
Sooo, now... even though I know that in no way would Martin do this cause he is a real man... my emotions are always afraid it will happen. That one day, he could walk away, cause thats what people do.
Again.... waiting for my emotions to jump onto the reality train. Because they are making things scary from time to time.

This man is my love. My connection and my everything. And whether my emotions are on board or not, I am totally dedicated to him. The one emotion that is completely on board is how much he means to me. I don't know what the bigger story is with us, but I intend on finding out. Or at least as much as I can.

#18 hearse girl/guy/couple (pic)

The difference between a hearse girl, a hearse guy and a hearse couple... 

Being a hearse girl, everyone wanted to talk to me. I would always be approached and asked questions about my Stella and what it was like having her. People always giving ideas on what to do next with her, sometimes they were really good ideas. If I go anywhere just to get away for a minute, I would have to get out of her and walk away to have my moment because trying to have a moment anywhere near her wasnt gonna happen. I always felt it was funny that it wasn't really me getting the attaintion, it was Stella. ALWAYS all about Stella.. lolol... People in town knew my cars name, but had no clue who I was, I was just her driver... at places of work, people would try to figure out who drove the hearse, and as soon as they found out I was a girl, they would just HAVE to talk to me. I don't mind at all. Its just apart of being a hearse girl and I have made some really cool friends because of my Stella. I didn't know I would attract so much attention from driving a car like her when I got her. I thought she would be noticed at first because of what she is but eventually people would get used to seeing her around and it wouldn't be a big deal. I couldn't have been further from the truth. However, i did get used to it and eventually didn't even notice it as much anymore. It was just apart of my life. Stella the hearse, and me, the invisible driver, lol... I found a lot of humor in it...

Back when Martin and I were just friends, I would often hear people tell me that they saw a guy in a black hearse rocken out. I would always light up and be like, ya, thats my friend, Martin!! He's my hearse buddy! And I would proceed to tell them all about him. However, I did notice the difference between him and me on the streets. Where as with me, Stella was noticed and I was invisible.... With Martin, he was very noticed and his hearse with his tunes, rather then him belonging to the car, the car belonged to him. (I would like to say here, it never bothered me that there were differences between how we were noticed, It was just something I definitely noticed is all.) I figured it is just the subconscious differences in how people recognize men and women. I also found humor in this as well. As I said, while I am invisible as Stella's driver as she steals the show..

Martin would be discribed as a creeper, stalker, cool dude, this hearse guy, scary guy, jammin guy, and a bunch more descriptions that I just can't remember at the moment.  Many times I felt that maybe it was better to be an invisible driver that belonged to my car... lol... 

When becoming a hearse couple, something that I noticed litteraly within days of becoming a hearse couple.... I wasn't just invisible anymore, but I am now a copy cat. 

When a hearse girl gains a relationship with a hearse guy... suddenly no one talks to you anymore, because it is assumed that either he got you a hearse after he had his.. or you got one cause he had one.. or he has two hearses and your the girlfriend.  I would like to say thst it doesn't bother me, but it does. Its never been about attention or anything like that.  But I do enjoy being a hearse girl. Its a part of who I am. When people talk to us, they are only interested in talking to the hearse guy and if you join the conversation at all as you were standing there invisible from the start... you are on a whole new level of invisible when no matter what you say.... your completely ignored, as if your not there at all. You have now become the hearse guys girlfriend, and no one cares about what you think or what you have to say about them. Ya, your still a hearse girl in the fact that you just are. But as a hearse couple, the girl does seem to lose her title as one. 

Martin is quick to point out I drive one too. Or that the other one they thought was his is actually mine.. and many times it surprises them. But its still left with the assumption that I only have one because of him, not because I'm a true hearse girl and you can see it.. It sucks that just because I'm a girl, people just won't see me for who I am. 

So if your a hearse girl thinking about dating a hearse guy... this is just something to think about. 

For me... Martin is an amazing person in my life and I will keep him regardless. Being changed from a hearse girl, to just the hearse guys girlfriend in peoples heads isn't really an all bad thing in the fact that there are other hearse girls, and there are other hearse guy's girlfriends.  But I am the only Martin's girlfriend. And that is something I treasure even more.

 But that doesn't go without saying that it is like going through a culture shock, dealing with the stereotypeing people put you in just because your a girl. I didn't mind being invisible before.. and now that I'm even more invisible, maybe people won't notice that its me kicking them in the leg for stereotypeing me. 

One thing I can count on... I will never be invisible to Martin. I will always be first important and he will always love the hearse girl in me that he knows is there.. even if no one else sees that in me anymore...

And that folks is my experience on the difference between a hearse girl, a hearse guy, and being a hearse couple..

#17 (pics) A Harley isn't just a bike, it becomes a part in your relationship.

Martin used to be in a biker club when he lived in Ohio. He talks a lot about riding year round and wanting me to learn as well. Because of some paper work issues, his bike was grounded a year since coming to Kansas. So when I said, lets get this done.. seeing him smile ear to ear is an image that I will never forget. I love seeing him smile, it makes my heart flutter every time.

For a month, the Harley was the only legal vehicle we had. I found out what piece a rumbling bike between your legs gives you as I would hold onto Martin and watch the fields go by, just gazing at it all or watching a hawk fly above us... its different then through the window of a car. Though your still racing by it all, you can't help but feel like your apart of it. And then.... you just got pelted on the forhead by a big ass bug.... yep, your apart of it now! And it hurt too. Keep your lips shut and your hair tied down. Always have glasses on and shorts suck when those bugs hit your legs. Yep, I learned a lot... Still am. But I gotta tell ya, nothing like riding along and your boyfriend brings in his hand to hold yours as you hang on to him. When he notices your hands are ice cold he folds your hands in his to warm them. There is a connection there that just makes you melt into him. I love when he brings his hand back and holds onto my leg, or even when he grabs my ass, which makes me giggle, lol... Because he doesn't have a sissy bar, I am always right up against him barely looking over his shoulder or just have my head layed against him sideways, watching everything go by. I get so comfortable,  I could just fall asleep if I'm not careful. 

Yesterday I found out what it was like to ride as a group on a road trip. There's something great about the roar down below you, but to have them rumbling all around you as well is powering. I have to say, I think I like it.. 

This new life of mine with so much meaning. So much gentleness and so much love. A new experience that I had no idea was out there and no idea how great life could be. 

#16 Moving in

Moving in with Martin has been a whole experience in itself. We have found that as paid workers, we can get a lot done, but at home... we can barely pull out of each others arms long enough to get much done at all. So after 2 months of living together, we have found that we have to really push ourselves hard to get out and around. Give us time, we are getting better at it.

We right away found ourselves with little to no money. Our outlook on this has been so different.  Martin is used to having money, never having to worry about not being able to pay a bill or food. Living under $4000 a month was unthinkable to him, and here we are with barely $1000. He is quite humble for a guy that has never had to worry about money a day in his life, but he didn't quite know how to live on such a little amount.
Where as for me... I have lived on nothing all my life. Struggled to take care of children.. and men who either wouldn't work or if they did, had no real interest in helping out. Knowing that I was about to be homeless yet again if Martin hadn't of saved me and KM from that fait.... for me.. living in a home, though it needed lots of repair, that didn't need rent paid... in a city that worked with its residents,  where I knew we would be okay.... man, I felt like I won the lottery.

I told him I would show him how to get by just fine on basicly nothing. This was my life and I knew it well. He provided the home and the jack of all trades, I provided the know how on servival. We are doing just fine.

Its funny how we became almost the same person traveling on complete different paths.