Sharing a home with Steve had been an extreme experience on both sides of the scale. Really nothing sits in the middle at all.
I love having him here because it's nice having someone actually be nice to me. I love his soft voice and he says the things that would melt most girls hearts. I care about him a lot. And having someone that actually helps with the bills and house upkeep is very new to me.
He does the silliest things out of the blue that just makes you shake your head and giggle. We have plenty of those moments for sure..
However, on the flip side.. he can say the meanest things that are not true if he gets mad. And the things he will get mad about are tiny things. Or things that are normal in anyone's lives. Like one time he packed his things and left because I was trying to find help for a rather large water bill we (I) have due to 2 pipes bursting. Every time he packs in a huff, leaving me... over nothing... I grow more and more insecure with our relationship, and now that I have a back up plan for when he wants to pack and go.. I will no longer be an emotional mess over it, my head racing, and trying to figure out what to do as I depend on him for his half the rent. But now... I can move on just fine without him if I need to. And that's a relief. Definitely gave me some control back to my life.
He flips things around on me, that are his issues, not mine. I have no idea where he gets these things. He will tell me that I need to get a new sugar daddy, and claim that I only have him cause I want someone to take care of me. In actuality, I pay my half the rent and I pay ALL the bills to the house... Water/trash/electric/gas/renting appliances... I also help pay for food. And here lately, I don't even get sex. So I don't know how this adds up to him being a sugar daddy. I think I'm the sugar momma if it's gonna be one way or the other. Honestly, the reason it hurts either way... is because I thought we were working together, to take care of each other... to survive and make it together. When he makes comments about all he does is sink money into this house.. I can't help but think, no... you sink all your money into your credit card debt.. and that's not my fault. As far as you only having to pay half rent and help with food... welcome to life, you gotta pay your way some where, some how.. I'm not fully supporting yet another man. I'm not doin it. It's a real punch in the face when he acts like I must have money set aside... he knows how much I make, and that every cent goes to bills. I mean, how does he think they get paid?? I certainly don't have little bill fairies running around taking care of them for me..
When he tells me that he can't promise that he won't cheat. And I catch him flirting with people on the net.. He feels that isn't enough to make me insecure and if I question him, he immediately accuses me of cheating.. so ofcours that makes me think even more that he is.
However, now that I have a back up plan, as a very good friend of mine is wanting me to stay with them if Steve doesn't stick around.. it's made me relax more. If I catch him.. he will be instantly out. I don't need that. Let the next person deal with his fits of leaving and abandoning and claiming to be a sugar daddy while most the bills are not paid by him. You can only pull the same crap with so many people before you start getting figured out.
Steve has OCD. So everything is spotless all the time. I have worked hard to be up to his standards. But he knows there are certain things I just can't get to on the weekdays. So he takes care of them for me before the weekends. Just like I do all the bill paying and running around needed on the weekdays, cause it can't be done on the weekends. Not a problem. Except that now everything he does to help out.. apparently makes him abused as someone who has to do everything. Instead of us being a team and working together. I can't do it all. I pay most the bills, do ALL the running around, do my kids things, and get some house chores done too.. That right there, seems like a lot to me.. I always tell him thank you, and good job on things hes done. I don't know what more he wants.
The fact that we work in the same place has been stressful. I don't know what may have been said about me there... as he puts off a "im mistreated and need to be protected" outlook.. And I've wondered if he pulls this at work behind my back. I hope not. but as people (girls) want him to move out of my place, and to move in with them.. and some won't talk to me, while others glare at me... I can't help but wonder. They don't know him, or what he pulls. So I'm sure I'm a monster in some eyes, while I do what I can to care for him. You don't truly know people till you live with them. So with that said... he can cause some real issues at my job. And I need that job to take care of my daughter. I'm looking into hopefully getting moved to another building to hopefully eliminate the drama, amongst other reasons as well.. hes definitely about the drama, then blames me for it..
I wish he was nicer to my dogs. They are dogs. They act like dogs. And even though Ocean is driving me crazy with how she wants to get into things now when she hadn't before... they are dogs. He doesn't have to yell at them. Be stern with their stubborn asses maybe.. but don't yell at them. And he does that a lot over things that it's just not needed. He doesn't seem to be trying to be rough... He likes animals. He just doesn't seem to be the most understanding to them. He would have better communication with them if he did.
My daughter, Kierstyn, makes it hard for him to deal with things. She's an extreme difficult person to deal with. She makes living together way more stressful then it ever should be. She makes life very negative to deal with and she doesn't appreciate anything done for her. To the point that you don't wanna do anything for her. She sucks the fun out of everything in most situations. I love her.. but realistically, dating while she is in my house..... I knew better then to even try.. This right here... has put a lot of stress on my relationship with Steve.
So why do I do this? I don't know.. i asked myself that. Usually the answer was, I need help paying the bills, and I don't have extra room for a roommate that would need their own room. And I loved him for a while.. now... hes here cause i choose to have him here. Hopefully one day he will gain my trust again to love him again. I guess I have a hope that he will grow up and stop running away at every dumb thing. Then he says I'm wussy? I need to toughen up? I stay and deal. I'm not the one running. I also hope that he will realize we all are victim of our bills and trying to make it. I keep hoping he will realize how good he really has it here. Dispite my daughter's fits. There arnt very many people out there that will take on most bills, and appreciate what he brings, and give him the lead to lead the household with fair say in everything while he accuses her of thinking it's all about her (Me). So I do hope one day he looks back and thinks damn, I got it good... and stops leaving at every whim.
I do want him in my life.... I really really want him. We will see if he will stay now that I will never beg him to stay again. He has to stay on his own choice. Sometimes i feel like surely we will spend our life together... and sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for him to freak out again.. telling me that I'm the one thats crazy. Well... maybe I am... Look at what I put up with. Hes lucky I am..
Keep in mind that this is an introductory of the good and bad. We have a lot of amazing days.. Days that I just wanna hold onto him forever.. a lot of amazing weeks.. a lot of amazing moments.. a lot of him being the little amazing him...
Now let's see if our relationship can be amazing too...
Because sometimes it's hard to deny that I love him. Our talks every morning before he goes to work, and every night when I race home from work so he can wrap his legs around mine and pull me close. When he reaches over and strokes my hair and we go to sleep holding hands.. those are the most Amazing moments of my everyday.. The moments that I live for. His gental voice telling me to go to sleep, or the crazy things he does to wake me in the mornings.. ya... these are the moments I want to last forever..
He wants to keep us safe. Our things safe. And is willing to do what it takes to do that. He looks out for us and that's something I have never had before..
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