One of the hardest parts for me in this relationship is that I have myself so convinced that no one could ever love me. My own family couldn't even love me or eccept me, anyone who ever said they did love me was a lie.. that is... except for my girls. But thats different.
So without meaning to, I secretly question Martin. My brain knows he does in fact love me, while my emotions think it can't be real. But my emotions are wrong and are trying to protect me, and I wish they would jump on board. I kept thinking they would if I just give it time... And I still do. I'm just becoming quite impatient with myself.
I know I love him. I can't even imagine my life without him. Even though we havn't been together for long, it feels like its been forever. Like we have always known each other through life times and finally found each other again. Its a strong and deep bond that I don't know how to really explain. Martin and I call it the click. As soon as we saw each other, there was a click. It was instant and we right away had to be around each other, talk constant (of which I found out later that he didn't normally talk to women) and we couldn't let the other go. We recognized each other, we finally found each other. I just don't know what else to say about that. Martin and I have spoken about this a lot. We agree with each other on this, but we just can't put our finger firmly on it. When we finally started to date a year later.... Our souls just seem to cling together, and won't let go.
And that makes it extra frustrating that my emotions are very on board in the fact that I love him with every bit of spark in my soul... but my emotions are so busy questioning his love. Though my soul and brain knows he loves me very much.
I don't know how Steve caused so much damage in the short time that I dated him... but because he was ready to bail over issues he would make up in his head... and it doesn't matter if everyone was having a good time or not, he would instantly decide he was leaving and make it all about him.
Sooo, now... even though I know that in no way would Martin do this cause he is a real man... my emotions are always afraid it will happen. That one day, he could walk away, cause thats what people do.
Again.... waiting for my emotions to jump onto the reality train. Because they are making things scary from time to time.
This man is my love. My connection and my everything. And whether my emotions are on board or not, I am totally dedicated to him. The one emotion that is completely on board is how much he means to me. I don't know what the bigger story is with us, but I intend on finding out. Or at least as much as I can.
No comments:
Post a Comment